BOA's Latest Security Feature: Unsolvable Physics Problems

Bank of America today introduced impossible physics problems as the latest in a battery of security questions that protects customers from account breaches. One such security question asks a user to reconcile Einstein's Theory of Relativity with quantum mechanics -- a feat that has evaded cosmologists and quantum physicists to date.

"Einstein himself would not be able to access his own account," gloated Brian Moynihan, president and CEO of Bank of America. "And if someone solves one of these problems, we'll have extended the boundaries of science. An acceptable compromise, don't you think?"

While some praise BOA for raising the standard of security in the cloud era, others question the logic of total inaccessibility.

"Sure, no one's going to hack into your account," noted Justin Ash, a Forrester analyst focusing on tech security. "But how are you going to even sign into your account in the first place?"

"Man, you guys are impossible to please," responded Mr. Moynihan. "Either you're complaining about a lack of security or you're bitching about not being able to access your account. Whine, whine, whine."

Bank of America is not the only organization beefing up security. Website owners are now using ancient languages, such as Sumerian and Hittite, for their CAPTCHAs, challenge-response tests used to ensure a website visitor is human.

"We rather have no online visitors than a few spammers," said one website owner utilizing Ancient Macedonian CAPTCHAs.

Senior citizens have reported no issues with the new security measures.

NOTE: This piece is satirical. All quotations are fabrications for the purpose of satire.

Originally featured in The Daily Pygmy.