Boogeyman Announces Retirement as “$h!t is Scary Enough Right Now”

After a four-century career scaring the bejeezus out of people, the Boogeyman has announced his retirement. “I’m redundant,” he said. “Shit is scary enough right now.”

“Thanks to their newsfeeds, humans already spend half the day rocking in the fetal position,” he added. “I can’t compete with reality. Hell, even I’m hiding under the bed by the time I hit my monthly New York Times free article limit.”

“There are ghouls and goblins willing to do it by rote, but that’s not for me. I’m not the embodiment of terror I once was. The world has changed. It’s time to move on. There is something to be said for acceptance.”

#OnceUponAWhat #boogeyman #parody #halloweenparody

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