Boys in Chairs: That time I Locked My Lover Out and Couldn't Let Him in

I am pretty certain that if you read the title of this post on its face, it sounds like I have written an amazing 80s pop ballad about how I loved a man, but he couldn't love me because of my disability, and so I couldn't allow him back in my heart. While that would be I-N-C-R-E-D-I-B-L-E (you can picture me as a hybrid between the Roxettes and Gem & The Holograms in the music video please), the title is indeed 100% accurate - no puns, euphemisms or double meanings.

This is probably one of the funniest, most sex positive experiences that I have ever had in life, and it was directly impacted by my disability with hilarious consequences. I think it's important to highlight this positive experience, because we so rarely talk about sex and disability in a happy light. (NB: The 'lover' in question and I reminisce about this constantly, and it makes us both smile.)

Let me set the scene: 20-something Andrew got home from class, and hopped online to see what was up with the mens. I stumbled across this guy visiting my area from London. Le swoon. Whenever anyone tells me they're from London, I immediately expect a beautiful accented man to pop out of nowhere and start narrating my life. That, or I think of Edina and Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous. We chatted, getting out all of our likes and dislikes. I mentioned my wheelchair (every time I do this, I run through all the rejection scenarios in my brain while I am waiting for them to respond) and he responded with something like: "Yeah. No problem." Double swoon.

Of course, when he finally arrived (aren't the twenty minutes before a hook up the worst? How many times can you play X-Tina's Dirrrrrty to amp yourself up? Answer: 7) I was not to be disappointed. He was cute. The kind of cute where you're like: "Shit! Why couldn't I have met you under actual circumstances so things could develop properly?" I remember that my disability, and all that entailed didn't faze him. I kept thinking: What's wrong here? Why hasn't he asked a single crip question? He was incredibly sweet, funny and accommodating. Don't I wish they were all like that? Le sigh.

So, after our first round (you read that right: first. round. I am that good.) he went for a pee. This is where things get hilariously handicapped. You see, when I am in bed, I assume what I like to refer to as "the dead turtle" position. This is not at all sexual; it is quite literally me on my back unable to move. So, when my partner left to pee he locked my bedroom door behind him. Anyone who has spent time in a college dorm remembers the layout: two rooms, common kitchen area and bathroom. So imagine this poor lad, trying to come back in only to realize he can't. Guess what, I can't let him in either. Lying in bed, totes exposed, no phone or anything (because when you are in the throes you're not calling your peeps. Although in hindsight, this was not a very cripple conscious strategy.) and there is a naked man in my kitchen that I can't access. I'm absolutely certain the disability gods had a great chuckle. Sing it with me now: "Disaaaaability!"

I convinced him to grab some sheets out of my linen closet and go knock on my floor mates' door. He was an attendant care worker and would surely help us. Unfortunately, he wasn't home, and so his roommate, unsure as to why a half naked man was standing in his hallway, called security. Security, also unsure of why a naked man was in the hallway, opened my door to see me laid out, in all my glory. I remember his face definitely looking as if to say: Why didn't you just get the door?

After my partner emerged in the doorway, I was sure he was going to run - having been so distraught by the event that he would have no choice. Instead, we fell on the bed in fits of laughter. I think that this story is particularly important because it highlights that awkwardly hilarious sex stories happen to everyone, cripples included, and that every disabled sex story is not steeped in tragedy and sadness. I often say that it is better to laugh at the disability than cry, and this story definitely reminds me that life with a disability can indeed be drole.

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