By Alexis Barad-Cutler
Sometimes when you're telling me something amazing about your child, you may notice that my eyes glaze over. That is because I simply am not interested. Or maybe I'm just jealous because my kid always seems like the Goofus to your child's Gallant. So friends, if you say any of the following things to me, know that I still love you and your child, but I'm also going to have a good chuckle at your expense later.
1. How "advanced" your eight-month-old is
Really? Unless your child is reciting "Tales from Ovid" by heart, I don't want to hear it. Also it makes me feel bad that my preschool-aged-son only agrees to read books when he's on the toilet.
2. That your child has taken to being an older sibling and that he "just adores his younger brother"
All my own son "misses" about his baby brother when he's not there is that he has no one to play "Will the Baby Fit in This Closet Shelf/Cardboard Box/Washing Machine" with.
3. How often your child naps and how you practically have to shake him awake in the mornings
"He just looooovvvveesss to sleep!" ("How nice for you!" I say, while trying not to fall asleep while standing outside my son's preschool classroom at pick up.)
4. Speaking of preschool! The amazing thing your child's teacher told you he did in school that day
Not interested unless it's something entertaining, like making a collage out of the boogers he picked from his classmates' noses.
5. How your child has never seen a television or iPad and doesn't even know they exist
6. Please don't talk about how your baby is an ancient soul unless you can provide evidence, such as, a working knowledge of Sanskrit
My one-year-old makes fart noises with his mouth. Maybe he's the reincarnation of an ancient deity who did the same?
7. That your kid skipped all the way to the dentist and can't wait to go back for her next cleaning
Don't you remember how when I went, I had to pin my child down by the shoulders while the nurse held his feet and the dentist pried his mouth open? Have a heart, man!
8. How your child spent the whole morning working on a Crayola masterpiece and then dedicated it to you
It makes me insanely jealous that while your child was preparing her portfolio for RISD, mine broke his crayon into a million little pieces and fed it to the dog "so that his poop would be rainbow-colored."
9. That your four-year-old is reading chapter books
10. That your child doesn't really need anything, as long as you give her some books
"She just likes to page through them quietly, in her crib. For hours!"
11. That your child's favorite food is something that sounds really annoying when said out loud, like quinoa, freekeh or kamut
Ha! My son's favorite food is this exotic delicacy called Cheddar Bunnies. Heard of it?
12. Comments about how your toddler "really responds to music"
Just because he's jiggling doesn't mean he's "dancing" and just because he's making noises doesn't qualify as "singing."
13. The consistency of your child's poop that day as compared to other days
I especially love when you tell me that it had to do with the kale and chia seed smoothie the two of you shared this morning. My morning consisted of dumping some cereal in front of my child and hoping a few bites actually made it into his mouth.
14. How much of a good listener your kid is--especially when he's zooming outside on his scooter
He always stops at the curb, and waits for you, you say? Sorry, I can't stay to chat. My kid is halfway across the street already and he took his helmet off a block ago.
15. That your two-year-old daughter didn't need potty training; one day she just "decided" she was done with diapers
And has been using the potty diligently and regularly ever since, with nary a wet bed in sight.
16. How when your child blew out her birthday candles, her only wish was for "world peace"
When I asked my kid what he wished for, he told me, "a pig."
17. How much your preschooler loves going to museums
Not even the kid-centric ones, but places like the Guggenheim and The Frick, and how he really "connects" with the works there. When I took my son to the MOMA, he sprinted towards the Warhols to stick his finger up Marilyn's nose and nearly got us banned for life.
18. That the only dessert your kid ever asks for is a piece of fruit
(Put that in your Bento Box and smoke it.)
Photo courtesy of Alexis Barad-Cutler
This piece was originally published by Alexis Barad-Cutler on Mommy Nearest. Alexis is a writer, editor, and published author. She writes all about that glamorous mom life on her blog. Her writing can also be regularly found on WellRoundedNY and RZBeyondMom.com. You can follow this Brooklyn mama on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook.