I hate divorce, and I am not alone. News broke early Tuesday morning that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were breaking their vows, and in turn, breaking apart this family of eight. Pitt and Jolie married in 2014 but their relationship goes back much further. Such is love, sporadically making public appearances but simmering in the private—for better or worse.
Now, their six kids will be thrust into the pressure known as child custody battles. While both sides, according to sources, want a cordial break-up, adults often fight like children for their children, and no one blames them.
Their parents will separate, leaving in their wake a broken marriage and continual refrains to the children that “this has nothing to do with you.”
Yet, as a child from a divorced family, I can tell you that, while it may have had nothing to do with them, it will drastically affect them. They will join the 38 percent of adults whose parents were not married while they were growing up.
We millennials get married later in life, if we get married at all. We prefer cohabitation, which may be a result of our lack of trust with institutions such as marriage. And do you blame us? We grew up in a world where the institutions were broken and riddled with scandal. Institutions as large as the government, as sacred as the church, and as close as our family were breaking before us. And as a result, many of us walked away with a limp.
I would never wish divorce upon my worst enemy. Instead, I can offer four expectations that I hope will function as lifejackets to those who are drowning in the waves of a divorce, as the Jolie-Pitts children soon will be.
1. You will see a side of family and friends you never wanted to see.
Words will be said that you never expected to hear. Actions will occur that will cause you to question whether you ever really knew the person. But the greatest sting will come when those words and actions fall before you. You will be seen as a judge, and countless familiar witnesses will come before you to tear down one parent on behalf of the other. People will want you to take one side, and they will smear the other side for your favor. Unfortunately, the other side also raised you and still loves you.
2. You will hear lofty words about love that attempt to buoy your spirits, only those words will be like helium escaping a poorly-tied balloon.
Words ring empty when actions fail to match words. At the heart of a divorce, trust was breached. Someone failed to live up to their words. And as a result, the words you hear and the words you speak to yourself are met with skepticism. If parents can’t be trusted, who can be? Their words quieted you when you were fussy, relaxed you as fell asleep at night and lifted you before you stepped up to the plate. Now, those words that once brought great comfort bring sharp sorrow.
3. You operate out of the understanding that the closer you let someone in, the more likely they will run away.
Marriages require two to become one. These two people, so in love, open themselves up and are vulnerably exposed, but accept this predicament because it allows for a deeper commitment. Italian writer Cesare Pavese wrote, “You will be loved the day when you will be able to show your weakness without the person using it to assert his strength.” But in divorce, one parent discovered something that warranted their running away. Now, in an effort not to experience the same hurt, you try to identify and hide the thing that would cause someone to run away. In essence, you can’t be you because you don’t know what part of you is unlovable.
4. The fumes from the divorce choke you, making you want to run away from those that get close to you.
Whereas some choose to believe that it is greater to have loved and lost than not loved at all, you operate out of the opposite. The hurt you have seen far outweighs the love that can be experienced. Thus, you place your heart in a coffin, not allowing anyone to come close. The closer someone gets to you, the sooner you will run away from them. Before they can hurt you, you unknowingly will hurt them.
I hate divorce. It not only changes the relationship status of a husband and wife, but it also changes the outlook of children and their future relationships. But it was the failing love of my parents that allowed me to know the unfailing love of God.
And because of his love, divorce does not have to be the last chapter in the story. It was a large part of your parent’s story, but it does not have to ruin your story. As was my case, divorce radically altered the direction of my life. It changed my outlook in certain areas, but knowing where I have gone wrong has helped me to correct course. I hate divorce, but divorced helped me realize I am not alone and you don’t have to go through it alone.
Nick Pitts is the Director for Cultural Engagement at the Denison Forum on Truth and Culture in Dallas.