The Brangelina divorce is pretty ordinary except for the fact that it involves two megawatt celebrities in one of the most high profile marriages of our time. Division of assets and child custody and visitation will be just like in any ordinary divorce. Brad and Angelina will fight over their stuff and their children, and chances are the six innocents will get caught in the middle. The Pitt-Jolie kids will be subjected to the emotional ups and downs of their parents divorce, and no matter how much they say they have the wellbeing of their children at heart, they will have difficulty breaking up this family without emotional wreckage. Welcome to the messiness of divorcing with kids.
As a couples therapist and relationship coach I pull no punches when it comes to divorced couples and parenting. In my view spouses can divorce each other any time they wish and for any reason, but children are for life, and cannot divorce their parents even if their parents wish it were so. Divorced parents often exact revenge on a former spouse by encouraging favoritism and diminishing each other’s parental authority. I recently mediated a fight between a divorced couple over whether their 10 year old daughter should be allowed to drink cows milk or almond milk since one spouse thought almond milk had better nutritional value. Parents who cannot control their anger often lose perspective over which battles are worth fighting over.
For the Brangelinas and every other divorced or divorcing parents, I offer some tips for putting your children’s emotional wellbeing first before gratifying that craven impulse to have the last word in a one-upmanship game with your former beloved:
--Know the rules: The rule of parenting is that once you have children they are your foremost responsibility even if your marriage is kaput. The original family system continues even if the marriage ends and even if a spouse remarries or has other children. The end of a marriage does NOT mean the end of the original family. Children need to feel as if they are still part of their original family even if their parents are no longer a marital unit or have other responsibilities—they are still a primary parenting unit where their children are concerned.
--Disagreements are normal in marriage and divorce but divorce reveals all the dysfunctional ways that disagreements were handled during the marriage and provides an opportunity to re-boot. If you have trouble resolving conflict, see a therapist but this is the time to take it seriously. You don’t want to make divorce harder on your children by repeating the same old dysfunctional patterns that ended the marriage. Learn something from your past mistakes.
--Talk nicely about your ex. Your spouse is your child’s parent and their emotional wellbeing depends on a strong attachment to both of you. If you had issues with your parents that were unaddressed, don’t take this as an opportunity to dis your ex-wife or husband. Don’t encourage your child’s rebelliousness as a substitute for your own compliance as a child. Deal with your own separation issues (we all have them) but don’t transfer your childhood insecurities to your kids. The more they feel a strong connection to each parent, the happier and more well-adjusted they will be.
--Pick your battles. Not every disagreement is worth an argument. Don’t assume your ex-spouse has opinions that are irrational or arbitrary (even if you think they are). Treat the differences with respect, for your child’s sake. You may not agree with everything, but decide what’s most important. Each argument inflicts an additional emotional wound already inflicted by the divorce so pick battles wisely.
--Preparation is key. If you feel strongly about something, say something ahead of time. If you feel strongly about what your child eats, wears, their curfew, or how they comb their hair, or anything else, talk about it up front. Couples can avoid fights by making their preferences known. If almond milk is your holy grail, tell your spouse ahead of time. Hopefully, you won’t fight over spilled milk.
Divorce is hard on couples but harder on children. A parent’s responsibility is to minimize the damage of divorce by acting like a mature adult, putting their children’s emotional needs first, and addressing their own insecurities head-on, so they can bring their best selves to their children and to building a functional relationship with their former spouse. To all the Brangelinas, I wish you well for your children’s sake. At it’s best, divorce is an opportunity to learn and teach children about relationships, resilience and repair but it takes a commitment.