I was as shocked as anyone to learn that one of the great cautionary maxims of all time was recently modified by a top-secret council of world leaders.
These visionary wordsmiths assembled in an undisclosed European location to debate the continuing validity of various well-known aphorisms. According to a majority vote by the council, the notion that someone could actually avoid repeating massive gaffes from the past simply through the act of remembering them reflects an embarrassingly naïve point of view completely out of step with the hideous state of things in the year 2017.
The actual quote from philosopher George Santayana is, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it,” but, hey, it was only a matter of time before somebody exposed this supposedly deep musing as being about as spurious as they come. I mean, if we can’t even look back on our own sorry individual dating histories and realize we learned absolutely nothing despite being in possession of a perfectly functioning memory apparatus, how the hell can we claim that we aren’t walking into a sociological sh*t storm just because we have a vague recollection of the last time we brought about a hell on earth by behaving like barely sentient troglodytes? Clearly, we are just not wired that way.
The members of the quotation-correcting symposium have also suggested that Santayana’s phrase be modified to the more reasonable, “Those who are capable of remembering the past still seem to get off on repeating it,” but intellectual property lawyers are already getting out in front of that bid for a rewriting of a beloved, sage old saying.
The council has also suggested the world take a good, hard look at some other long-accepted quotes and consider re-fabricating them to reflect a more realistic outlook on where we are as a people in the 21st century. Highlights of their suggestions include:
“Life is a comedy to those who think and a tragedy to those who feel.”
Suggested modification: “Life is a tragedy, let’s face it.”
“You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don’t take.”
Suggested modification: “Don’t take any shots, it’s just not worth it.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
Suggested modification: “Fear itself is actually pretty damn scary.”
In closing, may I say that I hope you will remember this blog. Whether or not you will be doomed to repeat it is up to you.
More of James Napoli’s comedy content for the web can be found here.