LOS ANGELES -- After major success from it's full season releases of Arrested Development and House of Cards, on-demand streaming provider Netflix is continuing to reinvent the entertainment business model. Their next endeavor is to release all of television on January 1st, 2014. According to Netflix president Reed Hastings, at this date on exactly 11p.m., Netflix will make available on their website the full seasons of all the shows that will ever be created.
"People want to consume television on their own schedule," says Hastings. "In this digital age, viewers shouldn't be bound by production dates, season finales or the concept of time itself. "Hastings' plan is to give viewers full freedom to watch whatever they want, whenever they want. "The choice is theirs," adds Hastings. "They can choose to binge watch all the season of all the shows that will ever get made, but they should know that when they finish -- there will be no more television -- forever."
This hardcore move by Netflix was a tough one to pull. Over 900 Netflix employees have been working for almost five years to time travel and collect all DVR recordings of all the shows that will ever be produced. Some shows had to be converted from their original smell-o-vision and 5D filming that is commonly used in the future. But Hastings is confident in his plan. "This will definitely work," Hastings guarantees. "I mean it. The time travelers told me so."
NOTE: This piece is satirical. All quotations are fabrications for the purpose of satire.