I am a bit shattered. Yes, I use the word shattered, because I do feel like my heart has broken into many pieces. I will tell you exactly why.
Here I was writing about redefining success in my life. I was writing and sharing all these strategies that were working for me. I was working on my book and was about to finish it and BAM! I get hit in the face with things from my past.
All of a sudden things from my past that hadn't bothered me for years started to come up like zombies from underground. My past arose to haunt me, to pull me back from becoming the superhuman that I was trying to be. I broke down crying and felt absolutely paralyzed. All this mental work that I had been doing on myself for the past few years just destroyed like that for no reason at all -- that was so unfair.
I woke up the next day and didn't want to meditate or write in my gratitude journal. It was just like a black cloud had covered the light in my heart. It rained, I cried for hours, but yet the cloud didn't move. I decided to take my pen and write what I was feeling, and hopefully I would be able to solve this. I wondered why when I was at the brink of following my passion that my past popped up. The writing really didn't help.
I meditated for about an hour, and by the end of it I figured it out. My past is what has made me today. I am subconsciously so scared to jump into my own personal greatness that I became my own enemy. My brain decided that I wasn't good enough to achieve my lifelong dream of touching people's hearts through my writing. But my soul kept on pushing me to follow my destiny, so when my brain saw that I was moving forward, it started to bring up random things from the past to intimidate me. I am so glad that meditation brought me to that point where I could see this.
But as humans why do we think so little of ourselves? Why do achieving great things threaten us? We were all created to follow our hearts and our passions yet we get caught up in all that the brain tells us. We believe we are inadequate and just mediocre. I don't even think it's society that tells us that, it's our inner critic that does it. Today we have young children who come from totally amazing families yet they believe they aren't pretty or smart or even funny enough. I know this as I am a teacher. It breaks my heart when I see young 10-year-olds struggling with these inner demons.
As humans we need to understand our own inner greatness. We need to embrace our demons and understand that they are just the voice of your fear, the voice that tries to protect us from our failures. I know now that I am bigger and better than my fears and failures. My demons can pop up from nowhere and make me feel awful, but they can't take over me or own me. So bring it on demons, zombies or whoever you are, I'm okay with you!