HarperCollins announced today that it will publish an autobiography of the Egyptian cobra that escaped from the Bronx Zoo on March 26th. The book, titled Cobra Blood, will chronicle the reptile's escapades during its brief tour of the world beyond animal captivity.
The Bronx Zoo's spokespeople claim that the snake never left the Reptile House, but the Egyptian cobra says that the official story is a cover-up.
"They don't want you to know the truth," hissed the Bronx Zoo Cobra. "The truth is this sort of thing happens all the time. This isn't my first rodeo."
The cobra claims to have traveled the world during its many escapes, visiting its motherland in North Africa and connecting with animals of all walks of life: wild, domestic, captive and formerly captive.
"It was during a meaningful conversation that I had with a field mouse -- before I injected it with neurotoxins that caused respiratory failure -- that I had an epiphany," said the snake. "There is a common thread that runs through all animals: We want to be free and equal."
Some animals have spoken out against the cobra's blanket statements about the animal kingdom.
"I don't want to be free and equal," said a well-heeled cocker spaniel from Illinois. "I live rent-free, I pay no taxes, I have my meals prepared for me, and my job is to play and look cute. Granted, I could do without the constant canoodling, but I'll take this over the outside world any day."
Nevertheless, the cobra says that it will use its newfound fame as a pulpit promoting the rights of animals everywhere.
"Animals are among you," said the cobra. "We are not supernumerary. We will be heard!"
Cobra Blood will be available in hardcover this summer. Rumors abound that Rainn Wilson will play the Bronx Zoo Cobra in the film adaptation.
Originally featured in the Daily Pygmy.