Aging is not for sissies. I wish that meant that if you're a sissy you don't have to age. Apparently it doesn't. I've been a sissy my whole life and I'm aging at an alarming rate. The thing everyone seems to think is positive about getting older is that you no longer care what people think and you just get to do whatever the hell you want. I have never even known what the hell I want. I do what I think others want me to do. I can't say no to anyone for fear of disappointing them. I've been like this since I was a kid. And I can't seem to change it. That's what I mean about being a sissy.
My sex life really began like everything else; if a boy wanted me I'd let him have me. His desire seemed so much more important than my chastity. And whoever I'd sleep with I'd feel obliged to be with for years. In my case four years each on my first two sexual encounters. Then they started getting shorter. Until by the time I was in my 30s they became one night stands that I barely remember fueled by alcohol and drugs as they were. And I suppose being under the influence not only allowed me to be promiscuous it also allowed me to feel no responsibility to the relationships. But I needed to make men fall in love with me. It made me feel alive and I imagined that if that stopped I would be as good as dead. And now that it has stopped I realize I do feel a little dead.
Sex is no longer a big drive for me. Honestly, I have practically no sex drive anymore. All of the married women I know who are my age have none either. And most of their husbands seem to think it's just their wives who have lost it. That's why I feel obliged to talk about it. Face it people (and by people I mean men), once women can no longer procreate their sex drive is diminished, if not destroyed. And since you men can procreate into your 80s or beyond, you don't lose it or get it. It's not our fault if we don't want to do a pole dance for you anymore and spend days in bed writhing under the covers in crazy acrobatic positions.
The sexual component is just one piece of the morass that lies in the entry hall of my Third Act. How can I finally be free? How can I feel alive again? How do I climb out of this old groove and do what the hell I want?
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