BSOTU: The Gathering Pig Man Threat

Thank God the president had the resolve to take on the gathering Pig Man threat. America faces a new kind of enemy -- the human-animal hybrid or "chimera." While you sleep tonight, they're moving. They're lurking. They're infiltrating our nation and undermining our freedoms. They're dressed in deceptively festive lederhosen and scaling the outside walls of your house. They're plotting to spring out of the shadows -- oinking at your children. They hate us for our freedom and small noses.

Tonight, I agree with the president. It's time to hunt down the Pig Man and smoke him out of his hole.

Wanted Dead or Alive:

(Artist rendering in needlepoint provided by Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Security and needlepoint artisan.)

So join me and the president, America, and help us bring Pig Man to justice.

Ed. Note: Check out almost a dozen other live State of the Union dispatches from Bob Cesca here.