My daughter's BFF from college died in October of 2015 from an apparent overdose. She left many people who loved her in stunned grief, especially her husband, parents, family, and three small children. I was stunned when her grieving family was also subjected to cruel bullying on social media on top of their unimaginable loss. How pathetic.
Many tabloids, print and online, felt this tragedy was worthy of exploitation. After all, she was a beautiful, intelligent Long Island doctor who seemed to have it all. They ran headlines like:
- Lurid double life
- Beloved nightlife fixture
- Doctor Overdoses at High-Society NYC 'Cocaine Apartment'
- Tragic flashback to fresh-faced youth of top doctor who won America's Junior Miss Competition at 18
October is both Bullying Prevention Month and Emotional Wellness Month. On the first anniversary of this terribly sad event, I find myself reflecting on this young woman's tragic death and my daughter's pain over the loss of her dear friend. And I am still angry that so many used her tragedy as an opportunity to defame her memory and bully and cause pain for those who loved her.
To everyone's great sorrow, no one close to this woman had any idea she had a problem with drugs and was emotionally unwell. To most, she appeared to have it all. Objectively, her life seemed perfect. But to her, for reasons unknown to the many people who loved her, it wasn't.
The shaming and humiliation heaped on her after she died deeply wounded the family and friends who knew and loved her. She became the Hester Pyrnne of 2015, forever consigned to wear the scarlet letter. For those readers who missed this literary allusion to Nathaniel Hawthorne's 1850 novel The Scarlet Letter, please indulge this old English teacher's comparison. Here is poor Hester, wearing the letter "A" for adultery, holding her baby Pearl while being scorned by the 17th century Puritans of Boston.
For my daughter's BFF, the bullying that followed her death was similarly shocking. The way her life ended was as incomprehensible and unexpected as those of many very successful public figures like Philip Seymour Hoffman or Heath Ledger or Cory Monteith or even Marilyn Monroe. But there is one important difference. They were celebrities. She was someone's wife, mother, and daughter.
I am deliberately not giving you her name because if you Google it, even a year after her death, you will find one salacious story after another. When she died, the media bullying was so relentless that every funeral home in her hometown and her parents' hometown was contacted to see if her body was there. Of course, they wanted to cover the funeral. Tragically, her family could not hold a funeral service that people like my daughter could attend to express their condolences.
Because so many people needed a way to reach out to her family, her husband started a YouCaring page. On it he stated,
A number of family friends have asked how they may be able to honor her memory and further express their love for her and us. This effort has been initiated to establish a fund dedicated to the future college education of our three young children. Thank you all again for your thoughtfulness, love and comfort. We hope to be able to give back some of the love and affection to each of you throughout our lives as we become restored and stronger.
Such beautiful words from a man left with the task of dealing with the loss of his wife and the job of raising three children under the age of five. People were free to donate if that was their wish. Anyone who came across this page and found it distasteful was free not to donate. Instead, the social media bullying sunk to a new low when the following comments were made:
- "You and your late wife are/were obviously very affluent and no doubt she had insurance on top of that. And here you are shilling for money on the Internet. Disgusting," said one.
- "This is more shocking than her shocking death. Elyse couldn't have said it better," said another.
Next time those of you feel compelled to make a cruel comment judging someone else, perhaps it would be better to follow the old maxim: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."
To all of the social media bullies out there, do you ever you give a moment's thought to the consequences of your unsolicited and cruel comments? When this woman's three young children are old enough to seek out information about their mother, will you be proud of what you put out there for them to see?
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Earlier on Huff/Post50: