(Emblem of the Dead Parrot Society)
Swing Voter: I wish to register a complaint. I wish to complain about this policy what I bought into just two years ago from your political party.
George W. Bush: Oh yes - the Iraqi Mission... What's wrong with it?
Swing Voter: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead. That's what's wrong with it!
George W. Bush: No, no it's not dead. It's being re-purposed.
Swing Voter: Look - I know a dead policy when I see one. And I'm looking at one right now.
George W. Bush: No... no! It's not dead. It's being re-thought. Remarkable military we have don't we? Wonderful courage!
Swing Voter: Their courage don't enter into it. The policy is stone dead.
George W. Bush: No, no, no! It's being re-modeled!
Swing Voter: Alright - if it's being re-modeled let's see if it works now. HELLO POLICY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Bush makes appeal for Sunnis and Shiites to get along - they respond by killing even more Americans.)
Swing Voter: Now that's what I call a dead policy.
George W. Bush: No, no.... No, it's just stalled!
Swing Voter: STALLED?!?
George W. Bush: Yeah! It stalled just as it was about to kick in. Iraqi Missions stall easily.
Swing Voter: Now look, I've had enough of this. This policy is definitely deceased. And when I bought into it in November 2004 you assured me that it's total lack of success was a misperception due to a prolonged squawk coming from the liberal media.
George W. Bush: Well, it's... it's errr... probably pining for a surge...
Swing Voter: PININ' for a SURGE?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look why did it fall flat on its back the moment the 2004 election was over?
George W. Bush: Iraqi Missions tend to take their time! Remarkable military! Wonderful courage!
Swing Voter: Look, I finally took the liberty of examining this policy recently and I discovered the only reason that it had been perceived as workable in the first place was that you lied to us.
George W. Bush: Well, of course I lied to you! ! If I hadn't lied to you this policy would have nuzzled up to those Iraqis, sorted out them Sunnis from the Shits and VOOM!!
Swing Voter: "VOOM"?!? This policy wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!
George W. Bush: No no! It's pining!
Swing Voter: It's NOT pining! It's passed on! This policy is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to your election platform it'd be pushing up the daisies! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket! It's shuffled off its mortal coil. Rung down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS.... IS AN EX-POLICY!!
Martin Lewis produced what many people regard as the definitive live version of the "Dead Parrot" sketch in 1976 when it was performed by John Cleese and Michael Palin at "A Poke In The Eye" - the first of the legendary "Secret Policeman's Ball" benefit shows for Amnesty International. Lewis has "sampled" and "re-purposed" the script above for another good cause. (Presented with apologies to its authors - John Cleese and the late, great Graham Chapman)