On a day when millions Americans were reeling from the news that there were trace amounts of prescription drugs in their drinking water, President George W. Bush made a stunning announcement at the White House.
"I am responsible for this," Mr. Bush told reporters. "This is my idea of a prescription drug plan."
Standing before a banner reading "Prescription Accomplished," the president said that he hoped providing Americans with free medications via their tap water would prove to be "the finest legacy" of his administration.
Mr. Bush indicated that America's drug-laced waters could boost tourism in the U.S., adding that English rocker Pete Doherty was "getting on the next plane over here."
Across the country, the announcement that President Bush had doped America's drinking water with dozens of prescription medications drew a variety of reactions.
"It makes me proud to be an American," said pitching great Roger Clemens.
Responding to the news that she had been imbibing anti-anxiety drugs in her water, New York resident Carol Foyler said, "I'm not worried about it, but come to think of it, I'm not worried about anything anymore."
But Atlanta's Tracy Klujian said that he believes all drinking water in the U.S. should come with a warning label indicating possible side effects.
"I had a glass of water yesterday and I had an erection lasting more than four hours," he said.
Elsewhere, shuttle astronauts planned to assemble the first robot in outer space, despite warnings that the robot would kill them and take over the ship.
Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He is the host of "Countdown to '08" at the 92nd Street Y on Tuesday, May 13 at 8 PM with his special guests Susie Essman (HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Jeffrey Toobin (CNN, bestselling author of The Nine. For tickets, go to 92y.org.