Bush to EPA: "Hi. Thanks for Writing. Between Now and January 20, I Won't Have Access to Email."

The Bush White House has come up with an ingenious new way to take careto faithfully execute the laws of the land.
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The Bush White House has come up with an ingenious new way to take care not to faithfully execute the laws of the land. In what it will no doubt bill as part of its relentless strict-constructionist pursuit of the original intent of the Framers, the White House has refused to open an email from its own EPA. The email, responding to a 2007 Supreme Court order requiring the government to determine whether greenhouse gases endangered people and the environment, hasn't been deleted; it's just ended up, as the New York Times story revealing its status explained, "in limbo." Enqueued, undeliverable, unreceived: surely everyone knows that the Constitution gives a war-time President the right to vacation-bounce?

Signing statements, stonewalling, and secret memos expanding Executive powers turn out to not comprise an adequate arsenal for dealing with unwanted communications in the age of the internets. Expect to see further innovations, such as these:

"And now, I'm never gonna let her go/Cause Mandy always knows": Dana Perino will take questions from the press wearing iPod buds in her ears and singing along with her favorite Jonas Brothers lyrics. Some may see this as a descendant of Scott McClellan's robotic unresponsiveness, but aficionados will recognize it as a digital-era update of Ronald Reagan's cupped-hand next to his ear and whaddayagonnado? shrug at Marine One's noisy rotor blades, which in turn descends from the thumbs-in-ears, waggling-fingers, "Nya, nya, nya, I can't hear you" technique which Pat Buchanan devised for Richard Nixon.

"Return to Sender, Address Unknown": For situations involving non-digital communications, this Executive Privilege stamp will be applied to FOIA requests for documents and to all congressional oversight witness subpoenas, as well as to contempt citations, which will be additionally stamped, "I'm rubber, you're glue."

"POS GTG": The default reply setting to incoming text-messages on mobile devices supplied to White House employees by the Republican National Committee. Senior staff message initiators will know that they can evade the filter by then texting "GFY," also known as a "Cheney."

The Helen-Thomas-to-Mike-Allen: This device, which seizes the soundwaves of undesired incoming press questions and transforms them into moronic lapdog blather, has long been rumored to be under development by the National Security Agency. Also known as the Cavuto Converter.

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