President George W. Bush confirmed today that his gutting of the Endangered Species Act is part of a broader plan to phase out the environment entirely by the time he leaves office in January of 2009.
"In addition to cutting taxes, it has been the goal of this administration to cut our wasteful, bloated environment," Mr. Bush said in a speech before the Association of Indiscriminate Applauders in Washington, D.C.
In his speech, Mr. Bush added that the EPA would henceforth be renamed the Environmental Prevention Agency.
The president said that by removing endangered species from the protected list one by one, his administration has been able to phase out the environment gradually "so that hardly anyone will notice it's missing."
But the president warned that "much work remains to be done" if the environment is to be completely phased out by the first quarter of next year and called for the accelerated extinction of all superfluous organisms by the end of fiscal 2008.
"It is time for all Americans to take sides," Mr. Bush said. "Are you with us, or are you with the black-tailed prairie dog?"
Mr. Bush's plan also calls for a gradual reduction of air and water, with water most likely to get the axe.
"If it comes down to choosing between air and water, the president will probably scrap water," said Environmental Prevention Agency chief Stephen L. Johnson. "After all, most Iraqis have been without water since 2003 and look how well they're doing."
Elsewhere, after Pope Benedict XVI prayed for peace on Easter Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney requested equal time for war.
Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He is the host of "Countdown to '08" at the 92nd Street Y on Tuesday, May 13 at 8 PM with his special guests Calvin Trillin (The New Yorker), Susie Essman (HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Jonathan Alter (Newsweek, MSNBC). For tickets, go to 92y.org.