As another exciting college football season enters the home stretch, we at the Bowl Championship Series are making some adjustments to our ranking formula. As it turns out, there may be a better way to rank college football teams than by combining the opinions of 114 journalists, 59 coaches and 6 computers programmed in the dead of night by extras from Sneakers.
We've listened to the fans and we agree: the BCS formula is too simple.
With a few minor changes, our new system can guarantee that the best teams play for the national championship.
First, teams will now be required to play against their mascots. Auburn quarterback Cam Newton is fast -- but can he outrun a tiger? Will a flock of ducks slow down Oregon's high-flying offense? How will Alabama fare against a huge wave of blood? These match-ups will not only improve the BCS formula, they'll be fun to watch.
Schools in the SEC often complain that the BCS doesn't adequately consider their difficult conference schedules. From now on, colleges located in former Confederate states will receive extra points in the BCS formula. And northern schools shouldn't be penalized for their Union sympathies, so the new formula will include extra points for schools from chillier climates. This cold weather bonus, or "Snownus," should make Big Ten fans very happy, especially after Michigan State's tough loss to an army of ancient Greek soldiers.
Schools from the Pac-10 will also enjoy new opportunities, thanks to our blue state bonus. To maintain further competitive balance among the northern California schools, the University of California will receive additional points for the sizable number of registered Green Party voters in Berkeley, while Stanford will lose points for hosting the conservative Hoover Institution.
For Big 12 schools, we're instituting an energy bonus. Universities in states which help reduce America's dangerous dependence on foreign oil will be rewarded in the BCS formula.
The diversity of the ACC will allow its schools to benefit from different aspects of the new BCS formula. The southern schools will enjoy the Confederacy bonus, while Boston College benefits from the blue state bonus and a relatively easy mascot game against a team of birds. And Miami should finally return to national prominence, thanks to the Latin flavor bonus, which gives extra points to schools located in cities that have a certain indescribable flair.
Schools from non-BCS conferences compete at the highest level of college football, so we've added new bonuses with those schools in mind. Boise State will benefit from the novelty t-shirt bonus, courtesy of that shirt that says "Idaho? No, U Da Ho." (This bonus should also boost the SEC hopes of Kentucky, home of the "Gettin' Lucky in Kentucky" shirt.)
Texas Christian and Notre Dame will get extra points for facing their overmatched opposites: TCU against the Freethinkers of Texas Atheist University and the Fighting Irish taking on a squad of Fleeing English schoolchildren. And every time a television announcer uses a war metaphor during any college football game, bonus points will be awarded to both Army and Navy.
Once we've factored in all these new bonuses, the top 64 teams in the BCS will play each other in an orderly, single-elimination basketball tournament known as March Craziness. After all, we at the BCS know that football games aren't played on computers. They're played on basketball courts.