My name is Jamie. And I am a jaded New York online dater.
I made my first online dating profile on jdate, when I was in 8th grade. I lied and wrote that I was 20 years old and was interested in meeting a nice Jewish guy. I was obviously a bit precocious.
My next foray into the dating world was when I was about 20 and having just returned to NYC post-college, decided it was time once again, to dip my toe into the dating pool.
Well, eight years later, through a series of some long- and many short-term relationships, having met people both online and off, I can say with a decent degree of confidence that I am a dating aficionado, possibly even an expert. But I also know that sometimes, I stand in the way of myself.
Not all dating sites are created equal. Far from it. The types of men I have met on various platforms have varied greatly, from the 'let's get married tomorrow kind' to the 'I don't believe in monogamy' kind. But no matter how they behave, one thing remains consistent -- me. And over countless years, and even more dates, I noticed a bit of a shell forming around my once exuberant, outgoing and happy dating self.
Recently, I took a step back and reflected on the fact that this self-protective bubble that I've convinced myself I put up as a shield from the onslaught of the NYC dating shit-storm, might in reality be the very cause of my single-status. While dating, I began to notice certain recurring trends that began to bias how I viewed every guy I went out with; criteria that resulted in often unsubstantiated 'Bye Felicias' (or I guess technically Bye Felipe's). Some of these men deserved it. Many others were simply collateral damage in my machete chop through the dredges of the dating world.
And so, with the Jewish New Year fast approaching, I decided to make some resolutions about my dating life.
1. Be more flexible. We're all busy New Yorkers. But that doesn't mean everything has to always be on our terms. I'll admit I've cancelled on a guy because he asked me to come to his neighborhood on a first date (stop judging me -- you've done it too!) Though I still do maintain that a guy should be making accommodations on a first date, I think it's probably unfair grounds for dismissal.
2. Be more open-minded. I think of dating in the same vein as finding the perfect job or the perfect apartment in NYC. You go in with a list of the things you are looking for. But as you see your options, you realize you don't need to have the doorman AND the recently renovated kitchen. Or that you're willing to take a pay cut if it means working at a job you really love. My willingness to compromise in other facets makes me wonder why I've become so uncompromising when it comes to guys. I'm far from perfect so why do I expect perfection from men?
3. Be more adventurous. How many times have you gotten an email from a guy, looked at his pics, read his profile and thought 'he's DEFINITELY not for me'. What if for one out of ten guys, you went a little crazy and tried something new on for size? So he likes meditation, kombucha and attends Burning Man every year. Who knows, maybe spending a few hours with a neo-hippie would be a mind opening experience. It's cheezy but don't judge books by covers.
4. Be more accessible. This pretty much sums up the entirety of this post. Spend less time behind a screen and more time next to people. Be open and willing on dates. Try to remove a few pieces of armor to see what might get in if I do. Cut myself--and them--a break.
I hope to report back in a few weeks and tell you that I'm well on my way to accomplishing all of my resolutions. But in the meantime, take a step back and think about what unintentional barriers you erect each and every day and how they might be impeding your ability to build something awesome.