Nine Sexual Harassment Allegations Part of the Plan, Says Cain

Beset by sexual harassment allegations, presidential hopeful Herman Cain broke his silence today, claiming that the enduring controversy was an extended part of his 9-9-9 tax plan.

The scandal began two weeks ago when it was alleged that Mr. Cain paid off subordinates while he was chief of the National Restaurant Association in order to silence them about his inappropriate behavior. Once the ninth woman came forward to accuse the presidential candidate of sexual misconduct, Mr. Cain commandeered the development as his case in point.

"You have the nine percent business flat tax, the nine percent personal income tax, the nine percent national sales tax, and the nine hoes on the side," said Mr. Cain. Nine, nine, nine, nine."

The consensus among economists is that having nine "side-pieces" or nine "hoes" is not a viable long-term solution for America's crippling deficit and sluggish jobs market.

"We just don't have enough hoes to sustain that," said New York Times columnist and renowned economist Paul Krugman. "If every person gets nine hoes, the number of hoes will grow geometrically while the general population continues to grow arithmetically. Eventually, we'll run out of hoes."

The women accusing Mr. Cain of sexual harassment have now filed a libel suit for being called hoes.

Originally featured in the Daily Pygmy.