For those who think Caitlyn Jenner's only talent is learning how to walk, pivot and turn in six-inch heels, hold onto your Spanx. At an exclusive interview with This Reporter at the Four Seasons Hotel overlooking Central Park, Jenner moistened her manicured index fingers with her tongue and expertly traced the rims of a dozen Waterford crystal goblets filled with varying amounts of Dom Perignon. The result was a chilling, if pitchy, rendition of I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar. The entire wait staff applauded.
"I was planning on using this as my talent for Miss Universe," Jenner said, "But my People tell me it's been delayed. The networks are miffed at Donald for speaking Truth to Power."
When This Reporter asked Jenner if she was serious about competing in a beauty contest at her age, she threw back her head and laughed in delight, while grabbing This Reporter's testicles and squeezing with Olympian strength. "Honey, I didn't pay seventy mil to become a dried up crone. I'm a young, hot, juicy babe," purred Jenner. "And these buns are a helluva lot tighter than those double-wide Kardashians."
While she is disappointed about what she described as Trump's "Mexican mishagas" which has sidetracked her Miss Universe dreams, Jenner has no doubt about his presidential ambitions. "Donald's the only one with cojones," she said, giving mine another tweak. "Jeb Bush is a bore. Christy needs to go to fat camp. And Rubio isn't an American. Donald is going to make chopped liver out of them."
Jenner doesn't see Hillary as a threat to Trump's bid for the White House. "Have you seen her hair?" Jenner gasped. "And those pantsuits? She looks like a contestant on Wheel of Fortune. Besides, Donald has more experience."
"Hillary served as a Senator and Secretary of State , while Trump has never held political office," This Reporter interjected.
Jenner batted her false eyelashes. "America doesn't need or want another politician. America needs a better licensing deal. That's what The Donald will provide. Does Hillary have her own perfume, jewelry or clothing line? Hell, no! Donald does. He understands that America is a global franchise in desperate need of better PR. The Democrats don't get that."
"What about ISIS?" This Reporter asked.
"That's a gotcha question," Jenner said. " I'll only say that rap music has made an important contribution to our culture and I'm very proud of Kanye's success."
"What about Bernie Sanders?" This Reporter asked. "How do you think Trump will hold up in a debate with him?"
"Don't you watch The Apprentice?" Jenner smirked. "Donald doesn't have to debate. He fires people."
When asked about her allegiance to the GOP, Jenner took a moment to compose herself. "I know what people think," she sighed. "As a transgender individual I should be supportive of the party that fought so long and hard for same-sex marriage, gender equality, civil rights and women's issues. But they forget. I live in Hollywood where everyone and their acupuncturist is a Democrat. This is my way of separating myself from all the other drop dead gorgeous babes in the biz. Being a Republican is my Brand. Look what it did for Sarah Palin."
Underneath her glossy, auburn tresses, Jenner conceals a facile mind, sharp wit and cunning ambition. "Look," she says, "The real reason I transitioned was because I was nothing more than comic relief in the Kardashian reality show. I had no traction. Now, I've got more people following me than Kim or Chloe."
"You mean on Twitter?" This Reporter asked.
"No, hon. I mean people!" Jenner stood up, flinging her Hermes Kelly bag over her broad shoulders, and snapped her fingers. An army of publicists, photographers, managers, stylists and lawyers trailed in her wake - all whistling I Am Woman.
This post is satire.