It's a rare occasion when I get a call from my daughter's school. But when that phone number pops up on my cell phone, I predictably take a deep breath before I answer it. Usually, it's a friendly preschool teacher on the other end of the line who almost always begins my saying, "Hi. This is Ms. ____. Everything is totally fine and your daughter is okay." And then she tells me the reason for the call.
My girl hurt herself while running around with friends on the playground. There were a few tears, but we have put a little ice on scratch. She's back to her normal self and building skyscrapers out of Legos.
Or, she didn't get to the bathroom fast enough and we don't have an extra pair of pants for her in her cubby. So she's wearing one of our XL summer camp T-shirts.
Or, we don't have her name marked down for pizza today. Is it okay for us to give her a slice?
The answer to that last question is always yes. But it's nice that they call to ask me. If you don't have children, these calls may seem like the school is overreacting or being overly cautious. I mean, do parents really need to have their busy days interrupted to be informed about these "trivial" things? Three and a half years ago, I would have shared that sentiment, thinking, everyone needs to get a grip and not baby these children and parents so much. Then again, three and a half years ago, I wasn't a parent.
A generation ago, if a parent got a call from a school, it was usually when things were really wrong. It meant that something serious had happened that warranted interrupting the parent's day and required the parent's attention and involvement. So I totally understand why the calls from my daughter's school can seem like a waste of time or a nuisance. But for me, when I see an incoming call from the school's phone number on my cell phone, there is not a single reason why I would not pick up the phone.
Maybe it's just me, but I'm the parent who wants to know. I want to know if my daughter has a bruise on her hand before she tells me about it in the evening. I want to know that she's playing comfortably (and probably looking adorable) in a giant t-shirt before I see her for myself. I want to know that she had pizza for lunch, even though I forgot to check off a box on some form somewhere. Why? Not because I'm a control freak of a parent. Okay. Not just because I'm a control freak of a parent. But because each time I get that call, it affirms for me that the school and I are on the same page. That the school understands that my child is a priority for me and anything negative that affects the routine of her day is something that may be worth sharing with me as the parent.
Of course, much of this is because my daughter is so young. As she grows up, these phone calls from the school will become less frequent. The one thing you can count on with children is that they will grow up and need their parents less, or at least need them differently. Just as predictable, the one thing you can count on with parents is that their concern for their children will not diminish as the years go by.
But recent incidents in the news concern me because it seems to me that, at some point, a school will decide that I, as the parent, am not the first one who should be contacted if there is an incident involving my child. Like the school administrators at MacArthur High School in Irving, Texas, where 14-year-old Ahmed Mohamed was taken away in handcuffs by police, before his parents were informed, because the school teachers and administrators thought his homemade clock could have been something more dangerous. Or the school teachers and administrators at South Carolina's Spring Valley High School who called on school resource officer Ben Fields to remove a 16-year-old female student from a classroom rather than reaching out to her parents first.
How does a school decide that discipline must be enforced by police officers without even making a phone call to a parent? There undeniably are times when schools have to respond to threats to safety and when law enforcement should be the first ones called. But at least in these two situations, a phone call to the student's parent instead of (or at least before) the cops would have been better for everyone involved. Yet, there are many who believe that the schools acted appropriately in contacting the police first.
What scares me is that our schools may be losing sight of the fact that the school and parents are supposed to be on the same team. We raise our children together; we mold them together. My daughter learns just as many lessons from her teachers and at her school than she does at home with my husband and me. When a school has a problem (or a perceived problem) with a child that it is not equipped to handle, and law enforcement's involvement is not necessary to safeguard lives, the school should contact the child's parents and inform them about the situation before the police are called. Let us not depend on law enforcement to resolve a problem or diffuse a situation that could also (if not just as easily) be addressed with the involvement of a parent. When a school calls the parent, the underlying message is that the school is working with the parents to resolve the situation; when a school calls the cops, the school is no longer on the same side as the parents.
So to my child's teachers and school administrators, present and future, please know that implicit in my child being your student is the fact that I am putting my faith in you. That I am teaching my child to respect you, not only as an authority figure, but as someone she can trust. Let us continue to work together and stay on the side of the children. If that ever changes, call me first.