My grandmother is a good sport, I have to say. Last year, she helped me review Jessica Alba's company, "The Honest Company." Still don't really know what that's all about, but whatever. And back in March, I reviewed Fifty Shades of Grey with her, which was one of the worst movies in the history of film and that I've ever seen, only compounded by the fact that I decided (in error) to watch it with a bunch of old ladies.
But it was a fun little exercise. So I thought, "I could probably do this again with another movie."
I watched every episode of Entourage probably seven times. I started late, though, not until 2006, when it was at its bro-iest height of popularity with the episodes like, "One Day in the Valley," and of course, "Vegas, Baby. Vegas."
The show was an escape for every college kid that had aspirations to be a rich, resident DJ at Club Monaco (Is that even a real place? I have no idea.) It was pretty much what every young twenty-something wanted -- the rock star/movie star life, expensive cars, your best friends mooching off of you and endless girls.
I was never a bro. I hate bros, in fact (It goes ISIS, bros, then finally raw foodies on my list). Your popped-fucking collar on your checkered Tommy Hilfiger (outlet) polo, with knock-off Ray Bans resting in between your steroid-supported pecs, makes me cringe for the future of America. But I did like the show enough that I wanted to go to see it when it finally came out. Which it did. In June. And as you'd expect, it was as shitty as I'd thought it would be. But whatever. I saw this shit at 11 a.m. Plus, I used my dad's senior discount. No way was I paying $10.50 to see it. I knew it would be bad. Had I paid full price, I would have just asked for a refund.
Who would ask for a refund at a movie theater, you ask? I would.
But I was entertained, at least. And I suppose that's the threshold now of what people need from a movie. Just entertain me.
But I did think the movie was funny enough to watch it with my 85-year old grandmother and write about it.
So I did.
And yet again, as was the case in March, it was a poor decision by me. Sometimes you just don't learn from your mistakes.
I didn't want to see it in the theaters with my grandmother -- for copious reasons, but the main reason was that I didn't want the guy (or girl -- remember, EOE) at the counter to think that I'm into grandmothers or something.
/ Oh God I just vomited in my mouth a little bit.
Ok. I'm back.
I also understood that the term "hearing aids" was kind of a misnomer. Because regardless of whether or not my grandmother has her hearing aids in, she still can't hear a fucking damn thing. So I'd rather be annoyed and embarrassed in her senior center than in public in a movie theater -- where people think I have a grandmother fetish.
/Oh, here it comes agai...
It's for these reasons that I was somewhat forced to download a pirated version of the movie, COMPLETE WITH MANDARIN CHINESE SUB TITLES. YA!
But downloading a pirated movie that was slated for a Chinese audience meant that because of strict guidelines on sexually explicit material in China, the few nude scenes and overtly gross dialogue were all cut. For this, I'm forever thankful to the oppressive Chinese government.
But enough back story. Let's get into what it was like to watch the bro-iest of bro movies with a woman in her mid-80s.
It must have been the potpourri of chihuahua pee and moth balls in her apartment or the potpourri of chihuahua pee and moth balls in her neighbor's apartment (they all have moth balls), but I completely blanked on the first line in the movie when the boys are in a boat looking onto the yacht that Vinny had rented for his post-divorce party. Drama (Vinny Chase's under-achieving actor brother) looks out onto the deck of the yacht and spots "Girl On Yacht No. 19."
"I may have to jerk it before we even get there."
Nice. Nice way to start things off, right? Not awkward at all.
Thankfully, and I don't know if it was just the volume that was turned down to ||||||||||| 76 or my grandmother just wasn't paying attention, but I got the expected, "What did he say?" response.
How do you respond to that? You can't, really. So I asked if she had any tomato salad. She makes amazing tomato salad. I also thought that by eating enough of it and if there was enough alcohol in the vinegar, that it would render me unconscious, and I could just forget this whole thing.
Crisis somewhat averted, though things did get a little more awkward just a few minutes later. Sloan and E visit the OBGYN (THEY AREN'T TOGETHER ANYMORE AND THEY'RE HAVING A BABY! CAN YOU BELIEEEEEEEEEEVE THAT?). E gives Sloan his phone to show her a picture of his cousin's newborn baby -- or something -- whatever, when a text pops up from one of E's side girls that he's banging. So Sloan reads it. Because we all would, right? (You know you would. Stop fucking lying).
"Ya. It just came up on the screen. I want your cock."
Ya. You try sitting in a small room with your old grandmother while a girl dramatically says "I want your cock" and see how that goes. I've done this now twice. Twice!
I've heard my grandmother talking about "swapping keys" parties back in the day. How she cheated on my grandfather (they weren't married yet) while he was in Texas with "Juanita." And my cousin can attest to the story of her cock-blocking one of her girl friends, Chicky Colucchi back in the early 40s (Holy shit. The 40s?!), so all things considered, this was all pretty tame.
One of the scenes in the movie that made me uncomfortable, that shouldn't have been a big deal, was when E goes to meet a girl that claims he got her pregnant. To this, and I don't know why, you'd have to ask her, my grandmother said, "Thank God I don't have to worry about that with you."
Wait. Wtf? Is she trying to say that I'm not gettin' any? I GET TONS, Gram. TONS! I'm overflowing with it!
Then Jessica Alba makes her $100,000, 10-second cameo which made me think of the time my grandmother and I reviewed and wrote about her company that I mentioned above. So I said, "Gram. Remember when we reviewed her company, and I wrote about it?"
Nearing the end of the movie, the night (Day. I would never watch a movie with my grandmother at night.) would not have been complete without your classic masturbation scene while watching it with your grandmother -- kidding. That's kind of the worst case scenario.
But that's kind of what happened at 1:19:00 into the movie when Johnny Drama's facetime video of him -- you know -- to some girl he was video-chatting with leaked to TMZ by the girl's husband (Or boyfriend. Doesn't really matter.).
So that was weird.
Guys still don't know that when you send a video of yourself -- you know -- that you crop out your head or any distinguishable marks or scars. I mean, that's just video chatting-gross-masturbating yourself 101.
Anyway. This ordeal ended soon after. Sadly, I don't think this story will be worth the page views.
"When is this going to be up?"
"Oh soon, Gram. Soon."
I'm never going to tell her.
Pictures courtesy of Warner Bros. 2015