It is now a snowy, late autumn Philadelphia area night. Thanksgiving has passed, and the winter holidays that celebrate the coming of the light are before me. When spring was newly budding, I began working with Lori Ann Davis, whose skills are highlighted on the series called Radical Dating. Our weekly and now once a month Skype sessions have guided me through the process of creating a wonderful romantic relationship. In the interim, I have had some dates, an almost leap into a relationship, and a catfishing experience that left me shaking my head in bewilderment and honed my Spidey Sense about mating, dating and relating. The One for whom I have wished, has not yet shown up, or if so, I have not recognized his presence. I have done ‘the work,’ for years in preparation, writing copious articles on the topic, healed some core wounds, let go of old worn out beliefs about what union means.
I have also faced some criticism when inquiring of my Facebook peeps about wanting a partner who ‘speaks my language,’ and to whom I need not explain my world in great detail, since he would have lived at least some of my experiences and traveled some of the steps along the same journey. This person felt that as a ‘relationship expert,’ I should already know the answers to the questions I asked. They expressed on quite a few occasions that it was somehow unseemly for me as a therapist to be so transparent and exposed. I hold that any therapist, teacher and writer on the topic of relationships worth her salt ought to be real and admit that she doesn’t know everything. Same is true in any relationship. That interaction helped me to face my inner critic who I have come to call Perfectionista. She judges me as being either ‘too much,’ or ‘not enough’.
A week or so ago, some dear female friends gathered with me and offered a ritual to help me call in the partner for whom I have been preparing. Deva, Jody, Ondreah and Lisa have known me various lengths of time; Jody (my cousin) since I was born. They are part of my trusted inner circle who I know have my back and are willing to lovingly call me on my shit when I am not walking my talk or focusing on fear rather than love. Our time together including coming up with a list of limiting thoughts that have served as impediments. They ranged from questioning whether this person actually exists or is just in my vivid imagination, to wondering if I will have to give up too much of who I have become in order to be loved, from thinking I won’t ever be able to emulate the idealized version of my parent’s nearly 52 year marriage, to not trusting men, from the idea that if he hasn’t shown up by now, he has likely gotten lost and won’t ever arrive to....and here’s the big one....that there isn’t a man out there who is strong enough to take care of me since I have been the consummate caregiver throughout my life and especially in relationships. Together we did an EFT tapping session to help clear the blocks. Even more powerful than the exercises we did was the loving support of my sisters. Laughter and tears swirled about and I knew magic was afoot, since these women are powerful manifestors in their own right.
During my most recent session with Lori Ann, I shared what we did. One of the first things she said to me once we were ‘face to face’ in cyberspace, was that we all come into relationship with something to be healed. I found myself nodding in agreement. She then asked lots of questions, as she always does, “Can I let go of feeling repsonsibility to heal a partner?” “Can they fit into my life offering whatever they can?” “Can I settle into my life and accept that enough is enough, as is, without having to fix myself in some way?” What gives me the most joy?”
Lori Ann pointed out that over the time we have worked together, I have added layers of what I want in a relationship. I grinned and said it was like placing an order and then changing it over and over before it can even leave the warehouse. That way, the item will never get shipped.
Instead, she suggested that I attract someone who loves the essence of who I am and thinks I’m fabulous. Although it seems counterintuitive, I am calling off the search, simply living life as is, and welcoming each day heart and not head forward.