So there's a video that is being watched on the Internet these days...
And there is, as is the case anytime a video pokes fun at a certain gender -- in this case, the chauvinistic actions of a portion of that gender's members -- outrage. Some of the thought behind the outrage in this case is that this is man-hating and hating men doesn't help anyone, because not all men act like this.
There's a difference, though, between hating men and hating jacka**es and from what I can gather after watching this video a number of times, it calls on the latter group, not the former. Not all men are jacka**es, but as pointed out in this video, the ones who think it's appropriate to harass a woman walking by them -- whether they yell "smile more," or "your tits look awesome in that dress," are jacka**es. All of them, no grey area.
So, man who doesn't harass women in the street = possibly not an a jacka**. Man who harasses women in the street = jacka**. Yes, women can be jacka**es too, women can harass other women, women can harass men, men can harass men. They're all jacka**es, not just the men who harass women. They're all making other people feel uncomfortable for their own gain --whatever that gain is.
Reading through many of the comments on the various sites that have shared this video has centered around what constitutes street harassment.
Well, The Huffington Post, around the time the video came out, shared their own tales of street harassment with their "21 Pictures that Prove The Sidewalk is a Hostile Place for Women." This story does a great job of filling in the blanks between what thoughts might be going through a man's mind as he makes the decision to street harass a woman (as shown in the Buzzfeed video) and what words are actually coming out of their mouths.
At first glance, it might appear as though statements like "Can I put my dick in your a*ss?" are on a different level than ones like "smile." That the suggestion of a smile is just being nice to someone -- paying them a compliment. But then you realize that all these women have identified feeling uncomfortable having had strangers say this to them -- meaning they've all been harassed. And harassment is OK in zero per cent of cases.
And that's one of the problems -- in the case of street harassment, at least. That people try to explain away the problem as, "it's just a compliment, relax and get on with your day." Seriously, some people truly believe that giving unsolicited comments to someone on their physical appearance is considered complimentary.
These comments appear almost everywhere the video has been posted. Comments like this one from the Huffington Post version: "Don't read too much into it. It just means that they think you are hot. Give them a smile and a wave. Take it as a compliment and go on with your day."
So how does one go about defending a statement that someone else has identified as harassment? How does a man read about women feeling threatened by certain comments and then want to defend the people who made them just because they also happen to have a penis?
It's also possible that some men who have never experienced street harassment (like me) and don't street harass themselves can go forever without seeing an example of it. But this isn't a case of seeing is believing. "I just don't see street harassment happening," isn't the same as trying to explain to your kids the existence of Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy. Women see this every day, whether we do or not. We don't need them to prove it to us, we need to listen and do what we can to make sure it doesn't continue.
One of the men in the video says they don't have a sister, so they have no idea how offensive the comments are. That's the only one I felt was a little slanderous because all men, whether they have had a sister or not, should be able to piece together that a woman is a human and that that alone should be reason enough to understand that they don't deserve harassment. It's like dads to daughters like myself; It shouldn't take having a female that you care for to realize that females shouldn't be treated differently.
I've never been on the receiving end of street harassment, so I can't be sure how I'd react, but I can tell you that if a group of guys I was walking by started commenting on my physical appearance, I wouldn't just "take it as a compliment and go on with my day." I'd feel upset, or intimidated, or like I had to get away from them as fast as I can.
My wife, on the other hand, is a woman, so I asked her what a woman thinks about being told to smile or that her tits look great in that red dress:
Catcalls aren't compliments. They are pretty strong messages for women. Be pretty. Be sweet. Be submissive. Be grateful that I've even looked at you. And sometimes, the message is to be afraid. Sometimes catcalls are very real threats to personal safety.
It's a pretty contradictory message we're sending women and girls, here. On one hand, protect yourself, don't get raped, and for God's sake, don't be a damn statistic. But on the other hand, lighten up! Be pretty. Smile. Come talk to me.
I can tell you that I've been catcalled. I've been yelled at, whistled at, woofed at, honked at, had sexual gestures made at me, sworn at, and more than once, followed. And it's never a compliment.
I don't think the issue lies with finding another human being physically attractive. I personally have seen many other humans, both men and women while walking down the street, and have thought them to be physically attractive. The issue lies in thinking finding someone attractive gives you the right to vocalize to them just how attractive (or unattractive) you think they are.
Hollaback!, an organization who's vision is "a world where street harassment is not tolerated and where we all enjoy equal access to public spaces," has a great list of myths surrounding street harassment. Some that stuck out to me included:
- Myth #3: It's only a harmless compliment/flirting.
- Myth #4: That's just how men are. Deal with it.
- Myth #5: Street harassment is fine as long as the harasser is hot.
- Myth #7: Look at what she's wearing! If you get harassed, it's because you were asking for it.
- Myth #9: Anyone who complains about street harassment is a man-hating, bra-burning psychofeminazi who hates freedom/needs a boyfriend/needs sex to loosen up/ugly.
- Myth #10: As long at it's not violent, it's not harmful.
I strongly suggest you read through more of the information on street harassment that they provide both as an international organization and one that is run within cities around the world. And to further prove that being a man doesn't mean you have to defend men who treat women this way, it says right within one of their myths (the That's Just How Men Are, Deal With It one) that "Hollaback! was founded by three men (and four women), a third of our board is men, and half our donors are men."
So, they're the experts and for research and activism and reading about people sharing their stories about sexual harassment, I'd start there. But for tips on what to do when you come across another human being walking down the street and you have an urge to speak to them, I have a system of my own to help you out if you're so inclined:
- Spot the person walking.
- Think of what you'd like to say to that person. Get your sentence (or phrase or paragraph) perfect.
- Smile because humans all need more smiles and say "hi," not the long sentence you had perfected.
- Did they say "hi," back? Did they engage in discussion? Yes? That's wonderful, maybe they do want to talk. No? Then...
- Keep walking, or waiting for your bus or buying a poutine at the food truck stand or whatever it was you were doing in the streets.
It's important to know that most men do not street harass. That most men are good people who understand street harassment is degrading in all forms. This isn't a men are the worst issue, it's a people who are bad people issue.