The words and the work. The laying my life down in service of something far greater than I may ever know. Sometimes the words start to bubble just below the surface and tickle my tongue, aching to be released. They twist around inside, making me antsy and uncomfortable.
If I'm honest I'll tell you that sometimes I don't want to share them. Not even a little bit.
Sometimes I wonder what I got myself into by falling to my knees and asking the Universe to use me up and spit me out, to put me to work in whatever ways I may be needed in this world. Sometimes I'm tired and the weight of the words are heavy on my little human heart. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just stopped. If I just went into the mountains and off the grid until my days ran out. Sharing my thoughts and moments and memories with trees and creeks and wild critters that wandered around.
Sometimes the words hurt so much I'm certain they'll bleed right off the screen, disintegrating into nothing from the weight of the tears that lace each letter. Sometimes a tiny thought pops into my head and knocks me off balance with the breadth of its truth. Simple truths that surface to push me deeper into myself and my work with a clarity I can't shake.
If I'm honest I'll tell you that sometimes I want to unthink them. With every ounce of me, I want to send them back.
Sometimes the clarity comes through and reminds me just how far I'm being asked to walk from all that's known and comfortable. Sometimes I stop breathing for a moment or two, because I know that what needs to be done or said or shared isn't going to feel safe or easy or comfortable. That people are going to rip it to pieces, taking jabs at me as they wrestle with their own mortality and trigger points and suppressed dreams.
Sometimes I see exactly how I will lose more of in my life and business and relationships, and it hurts. It's hard. It's heavy. It's not all that enjoyable.
Sometimes it's too much.
Does it mean I'm going to actually pack up and leave, heading into solitude in the mountains I love so much? No, it doesn't. Does it mean I'm going to double back on my commitment to show up fully and do what it takes to become the person I'm here to be in this life? No, it doesn't. Does it mean that I'm going to stop doing the work I feel called to do, and stop writing the words that burn as they pour out of me and onto the page? No, it doesn't.
All it means is that sometimes, it's just a little too much. Sometimes it's hard and exhausting. Sometimes it's more than I can handle. Sometimes it means all I can do is stay in bed and stare at the ceiling, or snuggle under the covers with the man I love and watch endless episodes of a show I don't really care about.
I talk a lot about the work.
What we're called to create.
How we're asked to step it up and share.
Our passions, purpose, and callings.
We all want it... to know and do and be these things.
We want to contribute and leave our mark.
I just think it's important to share that some days will be harder than others. Some days are days where you don't want anything to do with passion or purpose or callings. Some days you're going to wish you never learned those words, let alone took steps to uncovering what they mean for you.
We're all born with purpose, that I know for sure. Unique passions and callings and skills. Gifts and contributions that only we can give to the world. But we aren't born with every single thing we need to fulfill those callings. We have to gain the experience, survive the trials, and let life shake things up a little bit (or a lotta bit) so that we can learn and grow how we need to.
There is a whole beautiful side to the work. There's the fulfillment. The ways you feel whole and joyful regardless of what's going on around you. There's the way you feel when someone thanks you for what you do. When someone sees you for who you are, and appreciates you at your core. There's the fire under your ass that keeps you moving even when life gets hard. The light that shines so bright from inside of you, you feel energized and excited all the time.
And then there are the times that it's too much.
Did you know that Mother Teresa questioned God's existence? That she lost faith and was tormented by her calling for years? Questioned her faith and purpose? Did you know that Oprah wrestled with self-doubt and prayed to let go of one of her big dreams so she could move on with her life already?
I'm not trying to say I'm Mother Teresa.
I'm not going to pretend I'm anything like Oprah.
My point is simply that callings can be challenging.
Callings are not meant to be easy and seamless and without hard days. They are meant to stretch us beyond our edges, to make us better and stronger and more capable of doing the work we feel we're here to do. It's not always pretty.
But that doesn't mean you give up. That doesn't mean you ignore them and settle for a life of routine and monotony where you die a slow death while you're still alive. It doesn't mean you aren't cut out for them. It just means that sometimes it's going to be hard. Sometimes it's going to hurt. And that's okay.
Stephenie Zamora is the founder of www.stepheniezamora.com, a full-service, life-purpose development, design and branding boutique and author of Awesome Life Tips book. Through her Mastery program, she merges the worlds of personal development and branding to help men and women build passion-based lives and businesses they love. Click here to access her free Foundations for Unshakable Joy™ video training series and learn the unexpected trick to transforming your life with one single question!
For more by Stephenie Zamora, click here.
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