THE BLOG

Can We Have It All?

Every time I have made a decision from love and truth, I have soared. Every time I have closed a door I was afraid to close but knew I should, a greater door opened.
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Can we have it all? There is no mystery as to why "Sex and the City" was such a hit. After decades of women feeling guilty for being sexual, outcasts for not being or wanting to be married, selfish for not wanting kids, finally a show came along that said to women: IT'S OKAY!!!

I have had many careers and more relationships and engagements than I care to admit, but one thing is certain: many of those decisions were made from a place of fear. I spent my lifetime with no parenting, no guidance, but I had a sense that I might possess something extra special combined with the fear that I'd never find it or make it.

This led me to men. I constantly searched for someone to save me, to be the father I never had, to give me financial security. I would fill voids with things yet the abyss was never full. In fact it was emptier than ever.

I was SUPPOSED to want to be married. I was damaged because I didn't have children. These were fear-based concepts, and staying in security relationships never allowed me to experience the lows that I needed to get to where I am.

Two years ago, I couldn't pay my rent, much less for a taxi downtown for a date. I beat myself up for not sticking to one of my engagements, for at least I would be taken care of. I had beautiful handbags and watches from my ex-fiancées, but no money in my bank account and no sense of contentment in my heart. I was empty and scared.

Every time I have made a decision from love and truth, I have soared. Every time I have closed a door I was afraid to close but knew I should, a greater door opened. Whether a job, a relationship or an opportunity, if my gut said it was wrong, I jumped off the cliff not knowing how I would land or survive.

This is the fearlessness that Arianna Huffington possesses and describes. I am fearless, a lot closer to 40 than 30, and I am finally ALIVE and living my dreams which are so crystal clear. I am in control, and I want what I want out of truth and not because some fictitious rule book says so.

This is my journey, which is so much more exciting than the destination.