Cap and Trump: Imaginary Environmentalist Rants From the Donald

new york   march 28  donald...
new york march 28 donald...

Donald Trump has been hogging the headlines with his wild rants about immigrants, Mexicans, Mexican immigrants, and Megyn Kelly. His outlandish statements are made with conviction, and when questioned, he not only "doubles down," he triples down. What if Donald Trump used his tough-guy, 3rd grade level persona for good instead of evil, for example, to help solve environmental issues? Here's an example of what it might sound like (meant to be read in Trump voice, if you can):

Coal: "When I'm elected president, I'm going to nuke every coal plant back to the Stone Age! All these weapons are just sitting around, and coal is killing the planet, so I'm going to use them to send a message to coal companies: You're fired! They might be radioactive afterwards, but that's just too bad for them. They knew what they were doing, and they went ahead and did it anyway. So that's just justice. You burn coal, you get an A-bomb dropped on you. Simple as that."

Oil: "We are giving these oil companies billions in free money. When I'm president, that's all over. No more handouts to these guys with their OPEC friends and oil tankers crashing and spilling stuff on all the pelicans and sea lions. Remember that big spill in the Gulf? I'm going to bring them down there, and make them clean it up with their own hands. That's right! You're the CEO of that company, and you messed up! Time to fix it! I own hotels in the Gulf. I need tourists and visitors. I love seafood. You want to poison the Gulf? No way! Not when I'm president. Same with the Arctic. You want to drill for oil up there? Not a chance! I'll send a bunch of hungry polar bears out to their oil platform. Guess who's on the menu for lunch today?"

Climate science: "Some of my opponents here are saying they are not climate scientists so they don't know anything about what's happening to the Earth. I'm not one either. But I have hundreds of scientists working for me. And sanitation engineers too. And I own property in time zones and climate zones all over the world. I have people, smart people, telling me what to wear in Florida in the summer, and what to wear in Buffalo in the winter. So don't try and tell me there's no global warming. I've seen it. It's hot, it's cold, it's happening. End of story."

Energy Policy and Keystone XL: "I know about the 'all of the above' energy policy and I think it's a cop-out by a weak person who can't make a decision. You either have a policy or you don't. And if you have a policy, tell it like it is. If your policy is to let the Canadians build pipelines to carry their oil across American soil in order to sell it to Mexico so they can send racists, um, I mean, rapists up here to steal our jobs, say so. If you think the pipeline is a jobs program, I can tell you right now that I have more employees backstage shining my shoes right now than that pipeline will ever create. Forget it. That pipeline is over. No more 'all of the above' wishy washy stuff. My administration will have an energy policy, and it will be solar. That's it. Not all of the above, just solar of the above. We are going to put up signs everywhere that say, 'Solar: love it or go home' and anyone who does not support solar is getting deported. I will be the most pro-solar president ever. Once they get that nanotechnology stuff figured out, I'm going to put solar panels in my hair."

International Climate Treaty: "All these countries are talking about a climate treaty. Well, you can bet that I'll be there in Paris in December. I'll be flying over in the Trump plane, and then I'll take the Trump helicopter and I'm going to land it on top of the Eiffel Tower. When I'm through telling them what to do, they're going to rename it the Trump Eiffel Tower. It will be like D-Day all over again. They needed America to save their French asses in World War II, and now climate change is threatening the planet, and it's time for America to save the day again. I'll be giving a press conference on the beach in Normandy, and it will be about my plan for a global carbon price that returns all the funds... to me! I call it 'Cap & Trump'. It's a great idea. I know because I will make billions of dollars from it. I'm going to sit down with the world's leaders, one by one, and explain to them why they need to give me all their money, and why it's the only way to save the environment. I'm a good negotiator. What do you need all that money for if it's too hot to spend it, or if your island is under water? If those leaders don't sign the agreement, I'll have them deported too. To the other side of the wall I'm going to make them build. The UN guys will see that America means business when it comes to the planet, but I may bring some of those Miss Universe ladies with me to Paris too. It's a romantic city."

"God bless America, and reduce, reuse, recycle. You can quote me on that."