Growing up as a first-generation Sicilian with “English Second Language” parents immediately turned me into the family translator (or, as first introduced in the infamous “Godfather” movies: the consigliere – a position of leadership counsel within the Mafia). My being raised by a mom who was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, and who was barely able to care for herself, let alone her four kids, added to my role as la piccola mamma (Italian for “little mother” as my father often called me). Add to all that, my younger sister also being diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia when we both were in our twenties, and to whom I became official guardian, and the trajectory into the bigger role of family caregiver is one I took on, whether I wanted to or not, beginning at the age of ten and continuing well into my 40s.
I have a lot of experience as an “unintentional” caregiver. And first thing I know to be true is that few people actually sign up for the role. With rare exception, it just seems to happen. Someone gets sick. Someone loses an income. Someone is born with a major disability. Someone is not aging well.
When it comes to caregiving, it’s always about someone. Someone else.
And that’s where I think we caregivers get into trouble. That’s when we begin to lose ourselves. That’s when we might resent that someone else. That’s when we feel stuck, alone, trapped. And that’s when we’re no longer what’s best for ourselves, let alone someone else.
In all my years of taking care of others, primarily out of necessity, here’s the big secret to survival that I’ve learned: in order to be our best caregivers, we need to learn to care less about the someone else and care more about ourselves. Note: I’m not suggesting we be careless in our caregiving. I’m not suggesting we only care about ourselves, to the exclusion and detriment of others. Nope. Not suggesting that at all. What I am saying is simply this: when we take on the role of caring for a family member or other loved one, the only way to survive what doing so takes out of you is to let go, maintain a bit of distance, and care less so that you are able to actually love and care more.
Sound counter-intuitive?
A recent interview with Tony Robbins and his wife Sage that aired on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday underscored this concept of caring less and why it results in being able to love more. Caring, Sage explained, is worry based, fear-based; as loving as actions may be, that level of caring creates chatter in the mind which causes distraction. So in caring less, we’re actually more able to be present when we are with that other person.
In my own caregiver experiences with both my mother and sister, I found myself exhausted from the never-ending responsibilities that included: Serving as their advocate, navigating the mental health care maze on their behalf; fighting with insurance companies to cover the costs of treatments; dolling out countless pills sometimes three times each day and making sure they are swallowed; playing chauffeur to doctor’s appointments and group therapy; cooking, cleaning, paying bills, etc., etc. At the end of the day, constantly functioning at this level of service left very little desire or energy in me to give to them the one thing that above all else they needed most: me. Because there wasn’t anything left within me to give. Even to myself.
I’ve written before about Shameless, Showtime’s Sunday night series about the Gallaghers – one very dysfunctional family. No other program comes close to illustrating the inner conflicts families on the edge experience, as well as to underscoring the toll taken on the ultimate caregiver, in this case, it’s the Gallagher’s eldest daughter Fiona (played by Emmy Rossum). For much if not all of Shameless’ 7 seasons, Fiona has taken on much of the child-rearing responsibilities, due to the absence of anything closely resembling parents.
But now, in episode three of this season, the Gallagher’s go-to girl Fiona is done. She has nothing left to give. Fiona has reached her limits, and during a family meeting, she spells out how and why she is choosing to care less for others so that she can care more for herself: “Because I have a plan for my life, and I can’t do it if I’m getting a call every 5 minutes about one of you.” Fiona caring less for others and more for herself allows her to be more present and more focused on priorities. Not only does this help her survive her situation, but it empowers her to thrive beyond it, not only for her own benefit but for the entire family’s.
It’s no different than when we board an airplane and the flight attendants remind us that in the event of an emergency, we need to put on our own oxygen mask before assisting others. Survival depends on caring for ourselves first. So take it from one who learned the hard way: care less when caregiving, and it will result in so much more for you and for your family and loved ones.
About the Author
Paolina Milana is a former journalist turned marketing, PR & media pro. She is the daughter and sister of two diagnosed paranoid schizophrenics. Her recently published memoir "The S Word" shares the story of her coming of age surrounded by crazy. "The S Word" was named one of Buzzfeed's 5 Best Memoirs of the Moment and was listed on PopSugar's Top 12 Best Books on Mental Health. Paolina's day job is as Chief Marketing & Communications Officer for St. Baldrick's Foundation. She lives on the Edge of the Angeles National Forest in California and blogs at PaolinaMilana.com.