Death is a fact of life. This is the story about the death of my dear William. William was a cat, but no, this is not a maudlin, hand-wringing tale, because William’s death was beautiful. It was the best, yet worst experience a human could ask for.
Before I relay the story of William’s death, let me tell you a little about his life. We don’t know how old William was because my husband, Paul, and I adopted him when he was fully grown, but he lived with us for nearly 14 years. He was a blue-point Siamese mix who was picked up off the street and taken to a shelter. Southern California Siamese Rescue pulled him from the shelter and put him in a foster home where he remained until we adopted him.
William was a consummate troublemaker. He got into everything. He loved chewing anything plastic. He once tried to drag off an entire loaf of bread while Paul was unpacking groceries. He stole toast off my breakfast plate more times than I can count, even when I turned my back for less than five seconds (why didn’t I learn?). He destroyed rolls of toilet paper when it was the most precious commodity during the Great Pandemic Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020. He climbed into cabinets and pushed everything inside out to make room for himself, leaving clean towels or sheets in a heap on the floor. And, of course, he played that tried-and-true cat game: “I’m going to knock things off the nightstand until you get up and feed me.”
Besides his troublemaking, William also brought laughter and love to our household. He played hide-and-seek with our dog. He once attacked the TV trying to catch a fly ball while we were watching a Dodgers game. He delivered toy mice to us in the dark of the night by meowing loudly until one of us would get out of bed, thank him and tell him he was a good boy. He loved to supervise any tradesperson working in the house. He particularly enjoyed assisting the plumber, fascinated with the goings-on under the sink.
And he loved our other kitty, Beckett. He patiently allowed her to groom him until the fur on his head stood on its end like a kitty mohawk. He tolerated Beckett when she would literally lie on top of him for a comfy nap. And every morning, the two of them would spar as I prepared their breakfast, patty-caking with their paws until one would smack the other, prompting a full-body takedown, but all in good fun.
William was a big cat with a big personality and a big heart.
Of course, for every person, the knowledge that death awaits a loved one always lives in the back of their mind. With our parents, we know that when life works as it should, we will eventually lose them, and that humans typically have no control over the when or the how.
But with a beloved animal, everyone knows a day will come when they will have to make a decision about their dear friend’s quality of life. I have been through it multiple times. Sometimes the experience was sudden and devastating, sometimes it came after a slow decline and a sense of relief softened the pain. That was the case for William.
William had multiple medical conditions, mostly well-controlled. He loved life so much that several times after being ill, he rallied to return to his life of play and making trouble. But over the course of this past summer, it was clear he was fading. He would spend some days wanting to be left alone, uninterested in his usual activities, but by the next morning, he would be back to normal.
Every week, Paul and I would have the discussion: Is William in any pain? Is he still enjoying his life? Are the good days still outnumbering the bad? And every week, we would conclude it wasn’t yet his time.
Until, finally, it was.
Veterinary care in the time of COVID-19 is a tricky thing. Animal hospitals are closed to people. If your pets need care, you drop them off and wait in the car while the vet performs the exam. But there was no way in hell we were going to drop off William and leave him to die without us by his side.
Fortunately, I learned of a vet who would come to our home, fully masked and gloved, to help William exit this life in the most humane way.
The veterinarian showed up at our door with her bag of equipment and a bouquet of flowers for us. In that moment, I was slightly annoyed to receive the flowers, as it was just one more thing to deal with. But by the next day, I was so grateful to have them ― something beautiful to brighten our home as we grieved.
When she arrived, William was asleep in the dog’s bed in the living room. Before he knew what was happening, the doctor quickly and easily administered a sedative shot to make him sleepy. As any self-respecting cat would do after receiving a shot, he stood up to walk away. But as he did, his legs grew unsteady beneath him and I scooped him up in my arms and sat down at the bottom of our staircase, just because it was nearby.
The vet said she could do it right there while I held him and Paul stood close. I could only nod because I was crying too hard to speak. The sedative had taken effect and William lay asleep in my arms as he had so many times over the years. The vet knelt beside me, quickly shaved a little spot on his paw and administered the final drug intravenously.
“Paul and I wept over his body, but even as I cried, I felt a great sense of peace. All the fears I’d carried over making this decision were gone. William didn’t suffer. That was the most important thing.”
I felt his life slip away almost instantly. The vet listened to his heart and confirmed it. “He’s transitioned,” she said, and then reassured us, “It was so quick and there was no struggle. That means he was ready to go.”
Paul and I wept over his body, but even as I cried, I felt a great sense of peace. All the fears I’d carried over making this decision were gone. William didn’t suffer. That was the most important thing. He lived a good life until the very end, and then he had an easy death. Our timing had been just right.
We called over Cally the dog, who had watched it all from a distance. She came over, sniffed at him several times, and understood. She gave a little whine, but seemed to accept that her cat buddy was gone.
Now, I had one thing left to do. I carried William’s body upstairs and sat down on the bedroom floor. I called to Beckett, who was under the bed. She immediately crawled out and came to me. She sniffed William’s body, then she nuzzled his ear and rubbed her face against his head. She knew. She lied down beside us as if to watch over him. This gave me the chance to just hold him and cry, taking in one long final look at his face and his lifeless body ― beautiful, even in death.
I let Beckett nuzzle him one more time before I rose and carried him back downstairs to the vet, who would take him with her for cremation.
The entire time I carried him, I was so grateful that Paul and I could give him this gift ― that I could hold him as his life slipped away, that we could let his best friends, Cally and Beckett, see his body so they would understand.
It was truly a beautiful, albeit incredibly sad experience. We all grieve his loss. We all miss him. The empty space in our home is palpable. But thinking back on it over the next few days, I wasn’t filled with heart-wrenching pain. Instead, I smiled at the memory of his beautiful passing, even as I mourned him.
But here’s the feeling this experience left me with: If giving a loved one such a beautiful send-off can be done for our beloved animals, why can’t we give each other that? I would be relieved to know my last moments might be as peaceful as William’s. I would be happy to gracefully depart this world before my bad days outnumber the good, before I am in constant pain, before I no longer have joy in my life. We give this gift to our pets, but not to ourselves. When will we understand that merely existing is not living?
I hope someday we will learn this lesson and accept that there is a better way for us to say goodbye to life than to linger for weeks, months, or more in a diminished state. I hope that someday, we will have choices about our deaths as we have about our lives.
As for my beloved William, I am graced with so many sweet and funny memories of his life, and now, such a beautiful memory of his death. May we all be so lucky to be held in the arms of a loved one as we pass peacefully and quietly out of this world.
Barbara Caplan-Bennett has a degree in English from the University of Minnesota and a Certificate in Creative Writing from UCLA. In addition to her memoir, “Noseworthy,” she has published essays and articles on a variety of subjects, as well as a novel, “Nothin’ Left To Lose.” Barbara lives in Chatsworth, California, with her husband, Paul, and they are owned by Cally the Wonder Dog, their cat, Beckett and their recently adopted cat, Alfie. You can reach Barbara at noseworthy2020@gmail.com.
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