Celebrate Bad Times, Come On!

The Inauguration will soon be upon us, and I can't wait for Obama to take office, but it hardly seems the time for a party.

I don't want to be a wet blanket here, and I'd be the last one to want to destroy the party industry in D.C., but Dow has announced a huge cut in its workforce, and surely that's some scrubbing bubbles down the drain, and KB Toys declared bankruptcy-- at Christmas time! What are we celebrating? Wisely, President-elect Obama is already working to get us out of this disaster. He's just not yet using the toothbrush holder in the White House bathroom.

Obviously he's got to be sworn in, but after that, I think he should get right back to work. I know a lot of people have already made reservations to go to D.C. for the shindigs, but let's let him get to it. Let the man think. If you must go to D.C., whisper while you're there.

They can just show a rerun of someone else's inaugural speech. We don't need to be pestering this poor, over-burdened man with such petty things right now. Most people will be so far back in the crowd, they won't know the difference. Besides, a used inaugural speech won't be that different from what Obama would say. We all want the same things. The goals aren't that unique. We want peace. We want to prosper. We want to save the planet. We want to educate our children.

We're putting the cart before the horse by celebrating a President taking office. Let's celebrate the achievement of the laundry list of goals. President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let's have a ball. I'll blow up the balloons myself.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise. We can use mortgage backed securities for confetti. When we have justice, so that we can have peace, let's skinny dip in the Potomac. When the car companies pay us back, let's play "Pin The Tail On The Nay Sayer" all night long. Let's meet in California and jump up and down on its inland border until it slips into the sea, which would really save us some money, and when we've done it we can raise their tax refund IOUs high in the air. That would be an achievement worth celebrating.

When we've eliminated the terrorist threat, let's every last one of us board a plane to D.C. with our fingernail clippers and moisturizer. When every high school graduate can spell the word, "inauguration," let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out. When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.

Let's hope that all of these wonderful things happen in the spring, so we don't have to freeze our asses off like we're going to in January.