With all of these government secrets leaking lately, it seemed like a necessary civic duty to help President Obama catch the next whistle-blower before they start leaking all over the place. Since we focus on celebrities all day, we figured we might as well dive into the suspects we know the most about and try and snoop out the potential Benedict Arnolds through our own prism.
Our failsafe, four-part forumla for witch hunting: Closeness to Obama? Are they Illuminati? Do they gossip? (And most importantly) what's our hunch?
These are the celebrities to look out for.
Kanye West: Likely
Lately Kanye West has been going through a goth stage and seems pretty angry about America/the current state of the world at the moment. He also thinks he is a god which is always threatening to the state. Kanye is also a master of preventing a leak (his albums simply don't leak anymore) so he probably has a good understanding of how to cause one as well.
THE FORMULA:
Obama factor: He met with Obama even back when Barack was just a senator. Also, Obama has called him a jackass!
Illuminati? Along with Jay-Z, Beyonce, and Blue Ivy Carter, Kanye West runs the world. He is obviously illuminati.
Gossip? Kanye is a gossip monster. Gossip Gossip.
Penn Badgley: Probably
"Gossip Girl" spoiler: Penn Badgley was gossip girl. Although it didn't really make sense, when does a government leak ever make sense?
THE FORMULA:
Obama factor: Advertised for Obama and did meet Mayor Bloomberg.
Illuminati? Ehhhh probably not illuminati.
Gossip? GOSSIP GIRL! He's also amid a breakup with Zoe Kravitz so he's basically an emotional loose-lips cannon right now.
Miley Cyrus: Oh yeah
Miley Cyrus is basically just biding her time to unleash her "Party In The Secret-less USA" government info leaking tirade. Just look at her new haircut.
THE FORMULA:
Obama factor: She's on his team.
Illuminati? "Best Of Both Worlds" means she must know about another world other than our own. Definitely illuminati. "Best Of Both Worlds" is basically the theme song for the illuminati.
Gossip? She tweets what she wants! She's also such a counter-cultural youth there's really no predicting what she'll do next. Except there is. She's so going to leak government secrets.
The Olsen twins: They're double trouble
They're super rich and powerful and would only need a New York minute to bring the government down. They've also traveled the world so they've probably gathered a ton of information. Can you imagine the high jinks these two could get into?!
THE FORMULA:
Obama factor: They did make a Time style-list along with Michelle. They're pretty close. They also still look exactly the same and there are, of course, two of them so Obama would have trouble catching them in a Scooby Doo-esque chase scene.
Illuminati? Please, the Olsen twins are the original illuminati.
Gossip? If you don't know they can gossip, you haven't seen their movies.
Amanda Bynes: Almost definitely
A very reliable source that exists says Amanda Bynes actually tried to leak government secrets last year and has been secretly held in a government prison for quite a few months now. The "new Amanda" that nobody seems to fully believe can exist truly doesn't. The government made her up to distract us shortly after the time she retired from acting.
THE FORMULA:
Obama factor: She had dreams of being president at a young age.
Illuminati? Why is she persistently going after known illuminati such as Drake (see Kanye above) and Miley Cyrus (see above)? Is your mind sufficiently blown? Here's more definitive proof from 2010.
Gossip? Classic gossip. Amanda revolutionized the gossip girl.
James Van Der Beek: The Most Likely Of Them All
THE FORMULA:
Obama factor: Obama discussed the theme song to "Dawson's Creek."
Illuminati? James Van Der Beek was in Ke$ha's Illuminati commercial.
Gossip? This is his famed gossip attack. Watch out for James Van Der Beek! If you have secrets, the Beek will suck them out of you.
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