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Celebutantes and Celebutards

2008-02-01-celebutante300.jpgA celebutante walks a fine line on her four-inch Jimmy Choo stilettos between turning up on Perez Hilton and becoming her debauched counterpart, the celebutard.
02/01/2008 10:41am ET | Updated December 6, 2017
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You may not embrace the cultural moment of the celebutante, but you sure can't deny it. The ratings on Larry King the night he interviewed the world's most famous celebutante, Paris Hilton, after her untimely release from prison were some of the highest in the show's history. (Let's give the lass her props: Have you ever seen anyone else work the perp walk out of the Big House with the fierceness of the catwalk?) Even Anderson Cooper, who no doubt would rather been shining the spotlight on Darfur or Iraq, dedicated an entire show to post-Paris highlights with a panel of celebutante "experts" who weighed in on her punishing diet of bologna sandwiches, the anxiety from being separated from her mirror and the lack the grooming supplies for her hair extensions. So what exactly is a celebutante and how is it that she's captured the world stage?

ce·leb·u·tante (suh-leb-u-tänt) Noun. Hollywood's latest breed of "It" Goddess, commonly found walking down a red carpet as if she's been doing it since in utero -- which she has -- or sipping gimlets at the Ivy, reflecting the regal stature of Hollywood Royalty in her borrowed designer duds and Jackie O shades with the noblesse oblige of, well, Jackie O herself, as pesky paparazzi clamor for the perfect shot. (Which the paps will get; naturally the celebutante Polaroided herself before leaving her room at the Chateau.)

The celebutante is famous for little more than a well-known last name, good looks, and good clothes. But it does take some talent to manipulate the media and create multi-million-dollar enterprises based exclusively on the aforementioned trifecta. A celebutante walks a fine line on her four-inch Jimmy Choo stilettos between turning up on Perez Hilton and becoming her debauched counterpart, the:

ce-leb-u-tard (suh-leb-u-tard). Noun. See celebutante, but add the following suffixes: A DUI and a sex tape. Thanks to her insistence on dancing on the tabletops at Teddy's and piloting her Escalade the wrong way down the 405, the celebutard is as overexposed as her X17 or WireImage, which shows nary a pair of pink panties or hair covering her down there. (Which leads us lexicographers of Lala-Land to the following question: Have we lost our minds along with our hair down there? It was bad enough when Brazilians were the new Nair, but now, thanks to the onslaught of celebutard "Noonie Moonies" plastered all over TMZ.com, are we supposed to accept that bald is the new Brazilian? Say it ain't so, ScarJo!)

Usage 1. As in, the title of our debut novel, Celebutantes. In this Hollywood satire set during Oscar Week, celebrities, celebutantes and celebutards collide at the biggest "coming out ball" in the world -- the Academy Awards -- and are the plum prize in what is arguably the most vicious blood sport -- the madcap steeplechase among stylists, publicists and designers to see Who Will Wear Whom. Fingers crossed that the writer's strike will come to end and there will actually be an Oscars this year, but we guarantee the book will be published....

Here are some trailers. Enjoy. Lola:
Cricket: