The following amazingly simple questionnaire is the world's most accurate and reliable method of determining whether or not your husband is having an affair, field-tested by thousands of adulterers' wives. It has been used by millions of satisfied divorcees all over the globe. Don't listen to your friends, relatives, therapist, or if you're in California, your psychic. Just do this survey and you'll know the truth.
- Is he leaving for work earlier and/or returning later?
- Is he taking more business trips?
- Is he preventing you from getting anywhere near his cellphone or computer, and they've become password-protected?
- Has he set up a new email address, cellphone number and/or Skype account that you can't access?
- Is he spending more time on social media?
- Is he becoming secretive about bank and credit card accounts?
- Has his attitude towards you changed, becoming more evasive and defensive?
- Is he less interested in sex with you?
- Is he frequently unreachable by phone?
- Is he dressing better and taking more care over his grooming? God forbid he should scrape his new babe's delicate skin with jagged nails, so they've all been cut short.
This list appears in Chapter One of Adulterer's Wife: How to Thrive Whether You Stay or Not. It is protected by US Patent Number 0.7734, which is also coincidentally a secret code only visible when viewed upside down on an old-style calculator.
How to calculate your Philandering Partner Score:
For every "Yes" answer: Add two Philanderer Points to your score
For every "No" answer: Subtract one Philanderer Point
For every "I don't know" answer: Zero Philanderer Points
√-1 Points: Sorry to break it to you, but you're severely delusional. No wonder he's cheating.
-10 to 4 Points: He's pathologically faithful. But is he so deadly boring that no one else would want him? If so you might want to divorce him anyway.
5 to 10 Points: Indeterminate. You might want to toss a coin to decide if he's having an affair or not.
10 to 20 Points: Divorce the cheating cad right now.
These scoring categories may vary from time to time depending on C.J.'s mood and the phases of the moon.
To avoid the tedious business of calculating your score manually, you can make a donation to help develop an automated scoring system for this questionnaire. Make your checks payable to The Church of Adulterated Women. However the tax-deductibility of this payment is dubious at best.
Your comments and suggestions of additional questions to include are welcome. If they're any good, C.J. would be happy to co-opt your ideas as her own work.
Warning: The Cheater Meter is not recommended for people with medical or psychological issues such as ingrowing toenails or octophobia. You should consult your health care provider before completing the questionnaire to ensure that it is appropriate for you. Calculating your Philandering Partner score may cause divorce, relationship distress and/or spontaneous combustion. Do this questionnaire at your own discretion and risk--its creator accepts no responsibility for the consequences.