I'll Take My Eggs Over, Please! A Woman's Confession About Children

Some people like their eggs over easy. I prefer mine... over. No, really. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only woman in her early 30s in New York City focusing on a job, passion, friends, volunteer work and travel without one tiny thing on that checklist currently marked as "to do... later?"

That tiny thing I'm talking about is a baby. It's born with toenails and eyelashes and makes people all over the world lose their breath and finally know what real love feels like.

Well, guess what. I know what real love feels like. I've fed a fawn at the zoo. The love and connection I felt with that baby deer couldn't be less strong than one a mother shares with a newborn baby that has just been put in her arms.

Okay, all kidding aside -- let's be honest.

Not everyone wants children and I am one of those people. Over the past few years, this desire to not have kids has grown and germinated inside me as other woman grow and germinate offspring. My friends, family and the world around me continue to grow more and more upset with my choice, questioning my decision (or lack thereof). They would put me on a tribunal if they could, cross-examining me until I cracked.

Let's not underestimate the amount of convincing I've endured:

"But it says here, in a 1988 journal entry written in the Berkshires, that you couldn't wait to be a mom."

"I was eight-years-old then. I was at camp. It said I couldn't wait to go HOME."

"You know why you were at a nice camp in the mountains? Because you had parents who cared. Why wouldn't you want to carry that tradition on?"

"If they cared so much why did they leave me at a camp I hated?"

"But you held your friend's baby with such ease. You'd be a great mom."

"I held it because it was put in my arms against my will and I didn't want it to get a concussion. I'd be the first person they'd blame. I was smiling because it's my way of showing I'm angry. I show angry well. When I'm sad I laugh. When I'm in pain, I make tacos. When I'm confused, I do long division."

"You have such a great sense of humor. I bet your children would, too. Don't worry, you'll find a guy."

There's really no winning. The way people react when you tell them you do not want to reproduce is enough to make you think you are offending every fiber of their being. But on a good note, I am getting more and more confident about my horrendous, selfish and inexcusable choice of not having children.

Here are five signs you know you don't want children. You can embrace this at any age and any stage of your life:

1. You beg your doctor for an infertility test and hope that the results come back doomed.
2. You notice/prefer people's dogs over their babies -- and don't hide it.
3. There is a pacifier in your house but it's from a 1995 rave in Providence.
4. When someone texts you a picture of their baby, you fall asleep.
5. You hang pictures of baby clothes on your closet... to inspire yourself to fit into them.

Well, with all that being said, maybe I'll adopt one day, when I'm 45 and my eggs really are... over. Can't wait!

If you want to see me do stand-up comedy live, please check out my schedule and come say hi!

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