The Definitive Guide To Choosing Your Presidential Running Mate

Don't settle for anything less than second best.

The odd thing about choosing a presidential running mate is you want them to be great, but not that great. When all is said and done, he or she can't be better than you. Because, duh.

The HuffPost Comedy team gathered in our special dark corner of the office basement where we meet weekly to help the world.

Since some presidential candidate hopefuls are prematurely picking their running mates, we thought it'd be helpful to lay out a guide. Here's what we came up with. 

1. Your running mate should be pretty. Not too pretty. Sort of pretty enough that no one notices how pretty or un-pretty they are. You want them in that sweet spot of pretty. Obviously, still less pretty than you. 

2. Your running mate should be able to jump really high. What if you have to climb over a wall together? After your running mate has boosted you over the wall first -- because you're the top of the ticket -- they then need to be able to reach your outstretched hands.

3. Since you'll share a pair of walkie talkies, obviously, your running mate needs to be someone who can create a cool call sign for themselves. Not cooler than yours, but still it should be pretty sweet. For example, if your call sign is "Storm Shadow," then their call sign should be something like "Cobra" or "Beretta." Those are pretty cool, but they're not "Storm Shadow" cool.

4. Your running mate should be able to run really fast. Seems simple enough, but what good is a running mate who can't actually run? Hard to trust someone like that with the keys to the country. Plus, you know, the zombies.

5. Your running mate should be 5-feet-9-inches. We tested this in many different scenarios, under various "stress tests," and found this height to be ideal.

6. Your running mate's home state should feel somewhat positive toward them. Consider this: How does their home state feel about them, on a scale of flowers to pitchforks?

7. Your running mate's name should be free and clear of any grade school-level humor. Can their name easily be turned into funny words or phrases? Richard Pharts, for example, cannot be on your ticket. Tell his lovely wife, Olive, that you're sorry, but it's just not going to work out.

"But, Andy," you might say. "This is a presidential election, not elementary school." Heh, yeah, OK.

8. Your running mate should have seen "Star Wars." This is 2016. You've had about 40 years to even just stumble on any one of the numerous iterations of this franchise. If not watching "Star Wars," what else have they been doing all these years? Exactly. You probably don't want to know. And you're certainly not going to give them the nuclear codes.

9. Your running mate should know how to hold hands, shake hands, and just generally know what to do with their hands. Unlike what is happening here.

10. Finally, your running mate and you should be able to --

... Um, yeah. Sure.


Extra pluses:

  • Principled stances
  • Moral compass
  • Not racist
  • A soul
  • Sense of humanity
  • Desire to see civilization continue on
  • Blah, blah, blah.


Bearded Presidential Candidates