An Offer He'll Have to Refuse

This political love-fest between New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and all these people begging him to run for president is going to end abruptly when the big guy realizes something that others have realized before him.

That thing is this -- no American of Italian descent is ever going to be elected president of the United States. The highest we go is mayor or governor (see GIULIANI, RUDY and CUOMO, MARIO.)

This is because many of the voters who dwell in those rectangular-shaped states get their ideas about Italians from the G & G movies (Godfather and Goodfellas). As far as they're concerned, we all make our livings in a line of work that rhymes with "Borganized Grime."

(My own wife, who is British, actually believes that I belong to the M-word. I tell her that if this were the case we wouldn't be taking the free bus to IKEA to buy furniture, but she just winks knowingly.)

Christie's heritage is Sicilian on his mother's side. Oh boy. If he throws his hat in the ring, the hat will not even have landed before people on the other side get to work making The Connection.

It'll be something totally ridiculous and abstract -- the third cousin of a former in-law who allegedly makes his living in waste management, a real three-cushion shot -- but it'll be enough for the TV crews to swarm Christie's house. Instead of asking him what he weighs, they'll be asking him about The Connection.

Everybody seems to think Christie's weight is the biggest obstacle he faces on the road to the White House. Truth is, nobody minds a fat president. In his superb book A Secret Life: The Lies and Scandals of President Grover Cleveland, author Charles Lachman charts this 300-pound politician's astonishing rise to the presidency -- despite having fathered an illegitimate child through a probable rape!

But believe me, if his name had been Groverino Clevelandoso, the White House would have remained a distant dream, unless he quit politics to sell cherry ice from a cart outside 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

So there it is. Accept it. The Christie presidency? Fuhgetaboutit. Ain't gonna happen.

Aayy, you got a problem with that?

Charlie Carillo's first two published novels, Shepherd Avenue and My Ride With Gus are now available on Amazon Kindle. His website is He's a producer for the TV show Inside Edition.