Christian Crusaders Urged to Arm for Liberty

Jerry Falwell Jr., current President of Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia, urged all students at the school's convocation on Friday, December 4 to apply for concealed-carry permits so they can proudly bear firearms around the campus.

"I've always thought that if more good people had concealed-carry permits, then we could end those Muslims before they walked in," he proclaimed to the loud unrestrained applause of students. "I just wanted to take this opportunity to encourage all of you to get your permit. We offer a free course," he said. "Let's teach them a lesson if they ever show up here."

Falwell acknowledged a large elongated protrusion in his trousers: "If some of those people in that community center [in California] had what I have [a .25 caliber pistol] in my back pocket right now ...," he said while students interrupted with even louder cheers and sustained clapping. "Is it illegal to pull it out? I don't know," he continued while chuckling. Falwell told reporters he owns several shotguns, rifles, and pistols, which he has kept on his farm for several years, and he confirmed that he was given a license to carry a concealed weapon over the past year.

Later, Junior clarified that "those Muslims" to whom he was referring represent people like Syed Farook and Tashfeen Malik, the couple who shot and killed 14 people in a San Bernardino, California office building during a holiday party on December 2.

Junior took over as president of Liberty University after the passing of his controversial televangelist Baptist minister father, Jerry Falwell Sr., who founded the conservative Christian institution in 1971.

"Carrying" To Its Logical Conclusions

So, what are the implications of students carrying concealed weapons on the grounds of Liberty, and on institutions of "higher learning" throughout the United States? Let me count just some of the ways:

1. More and more unauthorized deputies will engage in citizens' vigilante (in)justice by misappropriating the national security duties of local, municipal, state, and national governmental agencies.
2. Students will no longer have need of the previously dependable apple to entice professors to raise grades on their term papers.
3. Enlarged trouser swells will snare potential sexual partners for sure.
4. Students will have increased options to end domestic quarrels or quell partners' threats of breakups.
5. Depressed students will have greater means of ending their pain.
6. Rather than simply giving professors nasty course evaluations on the many online sites, students will now effectively take out educators and spare future generations the torments of having to listen to their classroom chatter.
7. And of course, on a college campus or anywhere, firearms and alcohol always combine to produce pleasurable experiences.

The Christian Crusaders

Jerry Falwell's call to arm students at Liberty University comes at a very opportune time. Spike's Tactical shop of Apopka, Florida has begun marketing its special AR-15 assault rifle, which company spokesperson, Former Navy SEAL Ben "Mookie" Thomas, claims was "designed to never be used by Muslim terrorists," as the shop's never-ending battle in the Christian Crusades.

On one side of the rifle, shop employees laser-etched the Knights Templar Long Cross of the original Crusaders when they marched to reclaim the Holy Land from Muslims in 1099 CE. On the other side, they engraved Psalm 144:1: "Blessed be the Lord my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle." Called "The Crusader," the rifle includes a three-setting trigger safety control branded "Peace," "War," and "God Wills It."

"Mookie" Thomas originated the idea for the rifle, stating, "Off the cuff I said I'd like to have a gun that if a Muslim terrorist picked it up, a bolt of lightning would hit and knock him dead."

Unfortunately, owners, employees, and customers at Spike's Tactical seemed to have forgotten that the Christian Crusades represent one of the most horrific, shameful, and tragic scars on Christendom.

Pope Urban II summoned the First Crusade in Clermont, France to "liberate" Jerusalem from Muslims. In the summer of 1096, as the crusade began, they murdered several thousand Jews along their way in the lands along the Rhine River, looted and destroyed their homes, as the Crusaders stated, "Because why should we go off to attack the unbelievers in the Holy Land and leave the unbelievers in our midst untouched.?" They accused Jews as being treacherous auxiliaries of Muslims. According to Pope Urban II, "Let us first avenge ourselves on them [the Jews] and exterminate them from among the nations so that the name of Israel will no longer be remembered, or let them adopt our faith."

When the Crusaders reached Jerusalem in 1099, they pillaged Muslim buildings and killed thousands. The massacre of the Muslim population of Jerusalem reached epic proportions. In addition, the invaders burned the synagogue on the Temple Mount to the ground with all the Jews inside. One Crusader, an eyewitness to the event wrote: "Men rode in blood up to their knees and bridal reins. It was a just and splendid judgment by God that this place would be filled with the blood of the unbelievers."

The Crusades lasted from 1040 - 1350. By 1204, however, the tide began to turn against the Western European invaders, as the Mamluk dynasty in Egypt drove them out of Palestine and Syria.

Oh well, Falwell doesn't need to understand history since he merely leads an institution of higher learning. Right?

But I would ask Falwell, if the historical Jesus were alive today, would he apply for a concealed-carry permit, or instead, would he accuse you of misinterpreting and thoroughly distorting his message? What do you think, Junior?