Lucky for everyone, I took notes last night as we Christmas-decorated the house. I put everyone to work and eavesdropped on Laurel and Hardy while they were put in charge of ornamenting the tree. I would have pitched in on the activity myself, but I was a touch busy doing a few other things like, vacuuming, dusting, cooking, wrapping, swishing toilets...
Here's what my two had to say as they delicately placed our ornaments, oh -- anywhere. (Try not to envy their holiday spirit.)
"We'd better be quiet, you know what mom will say, 'The tree is feeling your negative energy and won't glow as much.' "
"I think our ornaments are perfect. She's the one saying it's ugly not me."
"Where's the filler ornaments. Double the beauty in a third of the time. She won't know."
"Hey, hey, watch me watch me. Now watch me place, now watch me drop it, now watch me place place place."
"I can make this tree go from awful to amazing with these filler ornaments."
"She's getting mad. She's the one who wants to do the tree and makes us do it and she's mad."
"She's acting like this tree is the Miss Colombia for the beauty pageant for trees."
"I hope you're happy mom I'm now BLIND because of glitter dust ok??!!"
"Oh my gosh she is nuts. WHY do we need so many ornaments.?"
"Maybe she can't see."
"The tree looks fine. Our ornaments look fine. It's an ugly tree we can't mask how it looks."
"How long has she had that star? Since like they got married or something it looks like a flat pancake drooping over but she looooooooooooooooooves it."
"Mom? HEY MOM! Do we have to get the back too?"
"I don't get why we have to do the back. For the wall to see it?"
"Hey, hey, look at this one. This swirly one. It looks like it's going to suck your soul out."
"Ugh. These are the ones she keeps from us. They're so ugly they can't even be ornaments. Oh my God. Why does she keep them!?"
"No way. I found our kindergarten ones. Look at these. You're right -- they shouldn't even be ornaments."
"Mom! Why do you keep these they're construction paper and crayon scribbles!"
"Man, parents eat that stuff up."
"I hope she doesn't plan on saving any of these for me."
"Look at this one. All I did was screw a hole through this cardboard circle with a pipe cleaner and dump glitter glue pen on it and she loves it."
"She wants more ornaments. She just shouted she wants more ornaments. She IS spamming this tree."
"Isn't this like the third time she's playing "Little Drummer Boy?"
"Mom? Hey, mom? We love you!"