Let the record show that I love this time of year. I take great joy in hauling out the holly each December, proudly displaying my impressive nutcracker collection and keeping Starbucks in business by purchasing one white-hot chocolate a day. I have more Christmas music on my iTunes that I care to admit and will sprint to stand under any mistletoe that hangs within a mile radius of where I may be located. No, that does not make me desperate. That makes me jolly.
So there I was the other night flipping through the guide menu on my DVR when I noticed it. CBS was featuring Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Naturally, being the Christmas enthusiast that I am, you would probably expect me to put on my flannel snowflake pajamas, wrap up with a box of those glorious Pepperidge Farm miniature gingerbread men and settle in for the festivities. Well... you're wrong. My name is Lincee and I can't stand the classic television special Rudolph.
Before you revoke my "Merry Christmas" card, let me explain. The character of Rudolph is great! The red nose, the guiding of Santa's sleigh...all admirable qualities in a reindeer if you ask me. But the enchanting 1964 program that is featured multiple times on multiple stations during the holiday season definitely bugs me.
First of all, claymation totally creeps me out. And it's not just this particular show. I don't know why, but everyone from Gumby to Wallace & Grummet gives me the heebie jeebies. Perhaps I'm too compassionate and my subconscious can't let go of the fact that at any moment, these clay figures could be destroyed just like Mr. Bill. Could it be something about their lack of fluidity that makes me uncomfortable? It's a mystery really.
Another thing that is annoying is Rudolph's voice. The dude who recorded his lines that day definitely needed a tissue. Or they should have waited for him to get over his obvious cold. Surely they weren't going for the "pinched nose" vibe. And don't get me started on what he sounds like when they put soot on his nose to cover up the bright red light. I found myself sitting on my couch, clearing my throat for no reason. Is it just me? Or is Rudolph a little bit whiny? Look, I get that he's been banned to the land of misfit toys and is stuck with a rather rambunctious prospector with a scary abominable snowman monster chasing him, but is that really means for such high-pitched complaining? I think not.
You know how everyone has that sound that makes them cringe? For some, it's nails on a chalkboard or cracking of knuckles. For me, it's when Rudolph's nose goes off. That sound makes me curl into a ball and rock back and forth in the fetal position. I think a gentle hum or bell ringing would have been a better choice than the dying gasp of a honking goose. I promise I'm not Scrooge and would challenge any one of you to a Christmas movie quote-off. But you have to agree with me. Surely you think Rudolph bugs, right? Someone? Anyone?