Cleanses Rock! And I so DO NOT have an Eating Disorder.

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I don't have an eating disorder.

I just take a break from eating every so often.

You know, like, after I've eaten too much on vacation. Or, say after the Christmas holiday season. Like Gwyneth does. That's when I break out the Maple Cayenne Lemonade and substitute that for food for like two weeks, or until I've lost about 20 pounds, whichever comes first.

That's not an eating disorder. It's a CLEANSE. There's a difference you know.

First of all, I don't starve myself all the time. Just when I'm on my cleanse. And even then, all that starving is not for the purpose of losing weight (although dropping 20 pounds of disgusting holiday bloat is certainly a most delightful side effect, unintentional as it is). Rather it is for the really awesome health benefits.

And by health benefits, I mean...I mean...?

Wait, what was I saying? I feel a bit lightheaded at the moment. Post-holiday cleanse time tends to be "brain-woozy time" for me. But that's a good thing, I'm told, and that totally makes sense to me because the wooziness is a result of all of the toxins being released. Which happens when you fast. And we all know that toxins are bad. So releasing them is good. So fasting is good. Hence, health benefits.

Yes! I knew I would remember what I was trying to say.

Of course, simply failing to eat solid food isn't always enough when you really want a nice clean body. And by clean body, I mean clean on the inside. Which is really important. Because no one wants to look clean on the outside only to be really dirty and skanky on the inside. Like the girl who gives me my monthly colonics always says, "Would you throw all your garbage into your closets and then say you have a clean house?"

Of course you wouldn't. Well, at least I wouldn't. Which is why I need to rid myself on a fairly regular basis of every trace of the remains of any previously eaten meals. Previously eaten solid food meals. Yech. Disgusting reminders of the fact that as human beings, lowly creatures that we are, we must at times actually digest solid foods in order to live.

Hell, they don't call it "shit" for nothing, although a more accurate word for it would be...once again..."toxins". And it can't be stated enough: releasing toxins is good. And how best to release all those gunky toxins stuck, like layers of spackel, to your poor, unsuspecting intestines?

Laxatives, baby.

And THAT is not an eating disorder either.

Like fasting, it's merely a form of cleanse. With health benefits and all. Sure, I could rely on some sort of supposed-nature-taking-its-supposed-course method of colon cleansing, which is to say, I could just sit on the toilet once a day and hope that my toxins are released into the bowl. But I have zero confidence in that really. Even after a good old fashioned poop, I still feel like I you say? Full of sh...toxins?

And so, I call in the big guns. And by "big guns", I'm not talking about one of those commercially packaged laxatives, since we all know that people who take laxatives on a regular basis have an eating disorder. But not me. No. What I am talking about is castor oil, you know, like Gwyneth takes (and advocates).

Taking castor oil is a totally organic (assuming that you're using an organic castor oil), totally natural way of releasing those solid-waste toxins without veering into eating disorder territory. Many of my yoga buddies do it, and everyone knows that there's no such thing as a yoga student with an eating disorder. Sure, many of us are slender. And many of us have eating habits that could appear suspect. But what separates a skinny yogi from a skinny anorexic or bulimic is one word: "intention".

For a yogi, the intention is never thinness for the sake of some external, cultural body ideal. Never! For that might imply an eating disorder. Rather, for a yogi, the intention is and will always be enlightenment. And everyone knows that the more advanced your yoga practice, the more enlightened you can be. And the skinnier you are, the easier it is to do advanced yoga poses, like putting your leg behind your head. Hence, the skinnier you are, the more enlightened you can be.

Come to think of it, I've even known quite a few yoga students who have availed themselves of vomiting as part of a prescribed cleansing routine. And, no my smart alecky friends, that routine is not called "bulimia". It is called "Punch Your Mama" or something like that. I can never remember the exact Sanskrit phrasing, especially when I'm feeling this lightheaded from not eating. All I know is that there's this cleansing ritual that some yoga students swear by, in which quantities of butter (clarified, organic butter - of course!) are ingested and then vomited up.

Honestly, this Puncha Vomit thing sounds truly delightful to me, except for the butter part. If there were some way that I could skip the eating of butter, I would think that vomiting up the contents of my empty stomach might be incredibly beneficial, healthwise, and not at ALL an eating disorder.

So, there you have it: I love to eat nothing but Hot Lemon Mapleade (or whatever it's called) for weeks at a time, and I call it a cleanse. I love to drink castor oil straight out of the bottle, rejoicing with each abdominal cramp because I know that soon my insides will release a cleansing torrent of toxins. And I idolize, even aspire to be, one who consumes butter only to throw it up moments later.

But don't be telling ME that I have an eating disorder.

In the interest of disclosure, this entire article was a lie. Lauren Cahn does not really participate in any of the aforementioned "cleansing" behaviors. She prefers eating solid foods and doesn't mind having stuff in her closets sometimes.