How could we ask for leadership equality between men and women if we still cannot close the apology gap? Society has set its rules, giving men the right to escape apology, while women should always have the word “sorry” in their everyday dictionary. This dilemma has become a stereotype due to society’s false perception of each gender’s true power.
We cannot deny that we have reached an advanced state in how we perceive gender equality. However, women are always at least one step behind men when it comes to leadership; as men should always be the ones “in control”. Society has a fixed formula of behavior for each gender, which leads to specific anticipation of conduct. Consequently, some certain expectations around how apology should take place and who should apologize started to evolve.
It is not common for men to say the word “sorry”. It is not easy for them to stand up for their mistakes and admit that they have wronged you. The irony is that we stopped waiting for them to do so. What’s even funnier is that we get overwhelmed when they apologize and we praise them for their warmth and confidence, although that’s the normal act. Unintentionally, we have accepted society’s apology gap by consenting to the way by which it has divided the leadership roles.
Nevertheless, women have built a habit of always apologizing no matter what. Since we were kids, we have watched our mother apologizing for the slightest things, we have heard the word “sorry” on TV daily coming from women more than men and we have unconsciously grew up with the apology gap that society has buried us in. We stopped thinking before apologizing, as if it’s a duty that we are intended to do without questioning it.
Nowadays, many women are trying to raise awareness about this topic to young girls. For example, Hayoung Yim highlights the contradicting gender expectations to girls in her book “The Girl Who Said Sorry”.
“Repeating the word sorry over and over without a valuable reason, diminishes our value, hurts our dignity and the respect we give ourselves.”
Some people may claim that it’s just a simple apology, why are we making a big deal out of it? But the truth is that in the world of gender equality, this simple apology has a strong effect on the conception of power. In fact, men who are always in control and do not accept being driven by others, find it very difficult and uncomfortable to apologize; it can actually shake their confidence. The best example for this was Fonzie on the old TV show "Happy Days". He couldn’t actually give a proper apology, always muttering and hesitating whenever he tried to admit that he was wrong.
Most men are like Fronzie. They believe that apologizing would lower their standards. Even at work, you can find them exerting tremendous effort in defending their side of the story and sticking to their point of view. They might even flee by putting the blame on others. Ironically, that way they think they are saving their manhood.
On the other hand, women tend to apologize excessively even if they are the ones offended. In a New York Times Op-Ed piece, Sloane Crosley described this. She was served an inappropriate salad that was clearly not suitable for eating. She spoke the words “I am sorry” first thing, before even complaining about the improper plate. And again, she apologized one more time for not being capable of eating it; then lastly, a final apology for turning down the replacement order.
How many times have you apologized for things that weren’t anyone’s fault. Haven’t you ever said that you’re sorry for knocking your manager’s door while them being busy? You didn’t have to apologize for that! We, women, think that apologizing is related to decency, and sometimes we take it as a form of politeness; but this is not the real case.
Men never feel the urge to say they are sorry when they suddenly jump into your room to tell you something --which is usually not important-- with great confidence.
Amy Carroll, a communications expert says that a woman should never apologize unless the building burned down and she lit the match! Carroll has her own teaching methods with lead to mutual respect between partners.
“When women apologize unnecessarily, we put ourselves in a 'power under' position and lose any chance at the equal status that comes with partnership.”
We will never become the leaders we want to be with our constant apology over nonsense.
There is an amusing commentary given by Alexandra Petri in her ComPost blog "Woman in a Meeting", highlighting the way women would say certain sentences to comply with the standards that society always implies.
Sloane Crosley settles that women always apologize whilst the person they are apologizing to is the one who should be making that move. See, we are hoping for the day when men start recognizing their mistakes and change their attitude, but with our “womanly” behavior, we would never turn the wheel. We need to stand for ourselves, stop apologizing when unnecessary and explain our frustration towards their ignorance and unclarity.
A good apology can be portrayed as follows: you should give the other person the awaited respect, while sacrificing a bit for their own satisfaction and showing a real desire in listening to their needs, with the intent to improve the overall situation.
Both, men and women should learn the art of apologizing. Men should become more confident about declaring the word “sorry” out loud and admitting their fault; while women should become less hard on themselves and free themselves from the obligation of making frequent apologies.
When each person on the planet knows their rights and responsibilities, justice will take place, which will build respect and will redefine the concept of power in the society.