CNN Breaking News: Wolf Blitzer Missing

Christiane Amanpour: "We appreciate your giving CNN this exclusive interview, President Putin, and I want to ask you straightway whether it is your intention to use military force to take over the remainder of Ukraine..."


Don Lemon: "I'm Don Lemon with CNN Breaking News. CNN has learned within the past thirty seconds that CNN Anchor Wolf Blitzer has gone missing. Here's CNN's Richard Quest with the details."

Quest: "Don, I have adroitly reported many baffling stories in my time, but I can say without fear of contradiction that this will be one of my most adroit reports. Here is what we know: five minutes ago, Wolf sprang from the very chair in which you now sit and proceeded rapidly out of the studio door. It was presumed by all who witnessed the event that he was headed for the toilet, which lies straight down the hall. From that point on, we have no accounts of his whereabouts."

Lemon: "Well, Richard, though we as reporters are not permitted to speculate, do you have any educated guess as to what Wolf did next?"

Quest: "If a gun were put to my head, Don, I'd put my money on misdirection."

Lemon: "What do you mean?"

Quest: "What I mean, my friend, is that Wolf, driven by the urgency of his need, made a quick left after leaving the studio in the hope of finding an alternative landing spot."

Lemon: "And that would have placed him where, Richard?"

Quest: "Well, although it pains me to do so, I must yield to John King to respond to your question."

John King [at the "Magic Board"]: "With the use of our Magic Board, Don, I'll explain where things stand at this moment. Seven minutes ago Wolf sprang from the very chair in which you are now sitting [circling chair on board] and headed rapidly through the studio door [pointing]. Everyone who saw him thought he was headed straight down this hall [pointing] to the toilet at the end of the hall [moves finger to toilet]. Although we have no witness to what happened next, based upon what's on the Magic Board and Richard's report that Wolf ran with unusual speed from the studio, the only logical conclusion is that he was looking for an alternative landing spot."

Lemon: "And that would put him where, John?"

King [pointing]: "In Piers Morgan's former office, which we can assume was dark."

Lemon: "That's a very big office, isn't it John?"

King: "Yes it is, Don [bracketing the spot]. It covers the area between my thumb and my pinky, which in layman's terms would be 80 by 100 feet."

Lemon: "That's an enormous area to search, isn't it John?"

King: "Yes it is, Don, particularly in the dark, as we now know it was. But the good news is that while Piers occupied the office, it had no depth."

Lemon [hand to earpiece]: "I'm told that Erin Burnett is with Dr. Sanjay Gupta, who has some CNN Breaking News on this story. Erin?"

Burnett: "Don, I'm here with Dr. Sanjay Gupta who has some CNN Breaking News on the story. Sanjay?"

Gupta: "That's right, Erin, I have some CNN Breaking News that is based upon a photograph taken some days ago in the restroom commonly used by Wolf during commercial breaks."

Burnett: "And what does that photograph show, Sanjay?"

Gupta: "Well, though the photograph was taken from a camera that was high above the critical spot, we believe we can extrapolate from that picture and from Wolf's movements in the weeks, months and years prior to his disappearance to the conclusion that we have what might be an important clue. "

Burnett: "What's that clue, Sanjay?"

Gupta: "Erin, it appears that Wolf was the victim of what medical experts refer to as 'The Bill O'Reilly Syndrome,' a condition confidentially revealed to us by a former female employee of Fox News who is contractually obligated to keep silent about it."

Burnett: "Can you tell us what that condition is, Sanjay?"

Gupta: "To protect our source, I can't be specific, Erin. Let's say it's akin to irresponsible reportage -- describing a molehill using words that make it sound like a mountain. Putting it another way, it's like reporting that someone has won a hotdog eating contest but failing to mention they were cocktail wieners."

Burnett: "So if I understand you, Sanjay, this means that the evidence of Wolf's whereabouts is going to be very hard to see."

Gupta: "You put your finger on it, Erin."

Quest: "Let me interrupt here with some CNN Breaking News. Wolf Blitzer has been found. I repeat, Wolf Blitzer has been found. Stay tuned for all the details at the top of the hour on The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer. Now back to Christiane Amanpour's exclusive interview with Russian President Alexander Putin...."

Putin: "And that, in terms even your president can understand, Ms. Amanpour, is exactly what we plan to do to Ukraine, to the European Union, and eventually to the United States of America... Now, can I offer you a hot dog?"