Divorced divorce attorney here. I am co-parenting with two different dads and in a serious relationship with my finance who is also divorced. #modernfamilymuch. My finance, Mario, traded-in his sleek silver BMW recently for a large three-row truck. Our six-kids cram inside.
We test drive our blended family and take all the kids to the beach. In spite of my efforts to load my kids down with sunscreen, they get burned. Mario’s kids have collagen — they are immune to the sun. Mario reads up on home-remedies. He blends some raw potato into a paste-like concoction and has my 9-year-old lay with it coating his back. Yeah, that didn’t work. But my 9-year-old (along with the rest of us) found it hilarious because the paste looked like puke.
Then, Mario does the unthinkable: he lets his kids go outside to play. For your frame of reference, Mario is in suburbia and I live in the city. “I can’t let my kids roam without supervision,” I say. There are millions of people on the sidewalk, how could I let them out of my sight? “That’s insane,” says Mario. “How will they learn to be self-sufficient and responsible if you are always hovering?”
I have no idea. My house in Queens is a block from the playground. It would be amazing if my kids could walk there alone. I know that they need to learn to walk by themselves. Um. I sort of know that. I’m not ready; I mean, they aren’t ready for that. I’m actually less concerned about someone kidnapping them than I am about some nosy neighbor calling the police because I’ve allowed them to walk to the playground alone. “No wonder New Yorkers are neurotic,” Mario says, half-joking.
I do want my kids to be independent and level-headed and responsible. I talk to my ex-husband Jake. “They aren’t ready,” he says. “I’m not ready.” Jake lives two-blocks from our kids’ school. We talk about letting them walk to school alone. Jake points out that all the kids on the sidewalk to school seem to be accompanied by a parent. “No way,” Jake concludes. “No way. I’m never letting them out of my sight.” He jokes that he’d still take baths with them if he could.
But, perhaps our holding them so close is creating a sense inside the kids that they can’t do things by themselves? Admittedly, my kids are afraid to be downstairs or upstairs alone at my house (yeah, that’s annoying). They are afraid to close the bathroom door all the way. (I mean, dudes, close the f-ing door already).
“Do you ever just leave them home alone?” Mario asks. “Uh, no.” I reply. “Even just so you can run to the grocery store?” He asks. This has never been a thought that crossed my mind.
Of course I consult the Internet. First hit: Psychology Today has an article from earlier this year about “The Effects of Helicopter Parenting“:
A new study suggests that helicopter parenting can trigger anxiety in certain kids, adding to a small pile of data suggesting that helicopter parenting stunts kids’ emotional and cognitivedevelopment.
The article explains that the study suggests that parents of socially anxious children may perceive challenges as more threatening than the child perceives them. “Over time, this can erode a child’s ability to succeed on their own, and potentially even increase anxiety.” Great. But the article also doesn’t say to send my kids to the park alone.
Mario’s kids appear to relish alone-time. He let’s them “go outside to play.” I don’t even know what that means anymore. I remember going out to play when I was a kid. Will my kids be neurotic New Yorkers? Yet, my kids seem inspired by his kids to be more independent. How does one transition from a helicopter to a free-range parent?
Stock image kids pretending to walk to school alone, but they aren’t alone because there’s an adult taking their picture.
Have you been judged for leaving your kids home alone or letting them walk to school by themselves? Are you a helicopter? Discuss in the comments. Check out more on my blog at www.DivorceLawyerGettingMarried.com