What Your Cocktail Says About You

Be afraid, mojito-drinker. Be very afraid.
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Like it or not, the drink you order when you go to a bar tells a lot about you. So, after years of exhaustive research going to bars and staring at people and judging them, we've compiled this shorthand list detailing traits most commonly associated with certain drinks. Be afraid, mojito-drinker. Be very afraid.

Vodka Soda: You're in it for the booze. Without the calories. Or the taste. Drinking is a means to an end for you, and you once kept track of exactly how many calories you'd eaten in one day and then burned exactly that amount off on a treadmill. Worse still, you might be a guy. You definitely own a Nike FuelBand.

Champagne: What is this, New Year's? And what are you, a model? There is no raspberry gelée tart amuse-bouche from the tasting menu to pair it with at this bar. And we don't care if you once did some "brand modeling" for Midori -- that doesn't count.

Cosmo: Remember that time when those fun-loving, independent ladies from Sex and the City started a national trend by ordering this drink on the show, and it was all awesome and sexy and freeing? You know that was 1998, right?

Mojito: Oh, right -- you. A bartender's worst nightmare. You had this drink once outside at a Cuba-themed cookout, and it was awesome. And you're right, it was awesome. But IT IS WINTER NOW AND THE MINT LEAVES AREN'T FRESH AND THE BARTENDER HAS TO SIT HERE AND MUDDLE THIS SH*T WHILE EVERYONE AROUND YOU SHOOTS YOU IN THE FACE WITH THEIR EYES. You also own many Jodi Picoult books.

Rum and Coke: You are a college kid. Or maybe you're just a college kid at heart. Either way, you should stop wearing those cargo shorts outside your house.

Mai Tai: You are a party animal. You own three ironic Hawaiian shirts, and one non-ironic Hawaiian shirt that just says "Hawaii." Ok, so that's actually a pretty decent shirt. It's a nice fabric. You only change the radio station when Jimmy Buffett comes on if other people are in your car.