COMEDY

How Much I Paid For College vs. What Knowledge I Retained

Mo' money, mo' problems remembering anything from Astronomy 101.

Knowledge is power. Money is power. I graduated college lacking both of the two things that "is power."

(NOTE TO MOM AND DAD: You can stop reading now.)

Don't get me wrong, I learned a lot in college: how to shotgun a beer, how to survive on a mac-'n'-cheese diet, how to have sex, how not to have sex, how to do my own laundry, how to say the "The" in The Ohio State University (it's pronounced "thee" and it's emphasized as if it's followed by twelve exclamation points).

What didn't I learn? Any of the material I was there to study.

I calculated the estimated total cost of my college courses using data* gathered from The(e!!!!!!!!!!!!) Ohio State University's website. These prices are paired with the remnants of information that have withstood the test of time. Was higher education worth it? Well, like most of the questions my college professors posited, I don't know the answer.

  • Human Biology
    <strong>Estimated Cost:&nbsp;</strong>$2,077.20<br><br><strong>What I Remember Learning: </strong>Not sure what this means,
    Shutterstock / vitstudio
    Estimated Cost: $2,077.20

    What I Remember Learning: Not sure what this means, but mitochondria are the powerhouses of the cell.
  • Intro to Psychology
    <strong>Estimated Cost:&nbsp;</strong>$2,035.65<br><br><strong>What I Remember Learning:&nbsp;</strong>Freudian slips can re
    Getty Images
    Estimated Cost: $2,035.65

    What I Remember Learning: Freudian slips can reveal a person's secret desires for butt play.
  • Playwriting
    <strong>Estimated Cost: </strong>$1,246.32<br><br><strong>What I Remember Learning: </strong>Wear a scarf to every class for
    Getty Images/Flickr Open
    Estimated Cost: $1,246.32

    What I Remember Learning: Wear a scarf to every class for an automatic B.
  • Spanish I, II, III, & IV
    <strong>Estimated Cost:&nbsp;</strong>$8,804.95<br><br><strong>What I Remember Learning:</strong>&nbsp;Mierda means shit.
    Getty Images
    Estimated Cost: $8,804.95

    What I Remember Learning: Mierda means shit.
  • Nuclear Reactor Dynamics
    <strong>Estimated Cost:</strong> $0<br><br><strong>What I Remember Learning:</strong>&nbsp;I&nbsp;walked into the wrong class
    Shutterstock / Aleksey Klints
    Estimated Cost: $0

    What I Remember Learning: I walked into the wrong classroom once.
  • Philosophy of Religion
    <strong>Estimated Cost:&nbsp;</strong>$1,325.13<br><br><strong>What I Remember Learning:&nbsp;</strong>God's existence has n
    Getty Images
    Estimated Cost: $1,325.13

    What I Remember Learning: God's existence has never been proven. That includes my personal experiment in which I prayed for a passing grade on the final exam and got ghosted by The Almighty One.
  • Creative Writing Fiction & Creative Writing Nonfiction
    <strong>Estimated Cost:&nbsp;</strong>$4,285.75<br><br><strong>What I Remember Learning:</strong> Wear a scarf to every clas
    Getty Images/Flickr Open
    Estimated Cost: $4,285.75

    What I Remember Learning: Wear a scarf to every class for an automatic B.
  • Fundamentals of Nutrition
    <strong>Estimated Cost:&nbsp;</strong>$1,325.13<br><br><strong>What I Remember Learning:&nbsp;</strong>Don't eat bacon.
    Shutterstock / Kiselev Andrey Valerevich
    Estimated Cost: $1,325.13

    What I Remember Learning: Don't eat bacon.
  • Calculus I
    <strong>Estimated Cost:</strong> $2,035.65<br><br><strong>What I Remember Learning:</strong>&nbsp;N/A
    Image Source
    Estimated Cost: $2,035.65

    What I Remember Learning: N/A
  • Bowling I
    <strong>Estimated Cost:</strong>&nbsp;$1,386.39<br><br><strong>What I Remember Learning:</strong> Bowling is one of the world
    Getty Images
    Estimated Cost: $1,386.39

    What I Remember Learning: Bowling is one of the world's oldest and most popular sports. Ancient artifacts believed to be bowling balls have been discovered in Ancient Egypt dating back to 3200 B.C. Today the sport is played by more than 100 million people in 90 countries. Bowling is an anaerobic type of exercise that burns calories and works muscle groups, joints, and tendons that aren't often exercised. While many sports aren't suitable for elderly people, bowling can be practiced well into old age. In 1948, bowling lanes were built in the West Wing of the White House as a birthday present for President Harry S. Truman. These lanes were removed, but President Richard Nixon had a new bowling alley built in the basement in 1969. The five main variations of bowling in North America are 10-pin bowling, nine-pin bowling, candlepin bowling, duckpin bowling and five-pin bowling.
  • Intro to Poetry
    <strong>Estimated Cost: </strong>$2,208.55<br><br><strong>What I Remember Learning: <br></strong>Simply wear a scarf<br>You w
    Getty Images/Flickr Open
    Estimated Cost: $2,208.55

    What I Remember Learning:
    Simply wear a scarf
    You will be guranteed an
    Automatic B
    (I learned the format of a haiku, too.)

*These calculations are based on data from the academic years from Fall 2008 to Spring 2012 at Ohio State. Taking the typical annual fees (tuition plus room and board) and then dividing by 45, the average number of credit hours in a year, I found the average cost of one credit hour (while living on campus) for each of the four years I attended OSU. The total price of each course is the average cost of a credit hour for the year in which I was enrolled in the course multiplied by the amount of total credit hours in the course. I spent more time on these calculations than anything I turned in for Calculus I.

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