Parades, fireworks, cookouts and other festivities will dominate the next few days for many Americans. With all the hoopla it is easy to forget that the Fourth of July is actually Independence Day, an event that marks something meaningful—the day, almost two and a half centuries ago, when thirteen colonies adopted the Declaration of Independence. It was a time of transition when a young nation forged its own identity from oppressive British rule, a movement that required great resilience and grit. For me, Independence Day evokes thoughts about another kind of independence, that of young people breaking away from their parents. As the holiday approaches and we anticipate time to relax and reflect, let us consider the opportunities we all have to declare independence in times of transition and identify the skills we need to be successful in doing so.
Parents:
“Helicopter, bulldozer or Velcro parent, tiger mom,” –not exactly labels that we as parents can celebrate. What is behind this trend to pathologize and disparage our well-intentioned efforts and concern for our children? “Those terms don’t apply to me,” most of us tell ourselves, but could the culture of fear and enmeshment surrounding us be blinding us to a dark reality?
Research, books, seminars and headlines abound about parenting in the 21st century and the ways in which we are damaging our children. It can be overwhelming to imagine even where to start as we seek to raise healthy, responsible, confident kids. The growing literature on resilience, grit and anxiety all point towards encouraging independence in young people. If you read three books this summer, make them “GRIT The Power of Passion and Perseverance” by Angela Duckworth, “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Carol S. Dweck and “Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents: 7 Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous & Independent Children” by Lynn Lyons and Reid Wilson.
Needless to say, we must find the balance between engaged parenting and fostering independence. Allow your high school student to make mistakes, take ownership for her learning and advocate for herself. The college admission process is the perfect opportunity to turn over control. Empower your young person to take the reigns in the college search and application experience, providing support rather than action. If you have a child leaving for college this fall, give her space to navigate the transition on her own. The students who struggle the most and who are the least happy with their college choice are those who talk/text with their parents everyday and rely on mom and dad to resolve every challenge they face.
High School Students:
While you may feel like you are under the “oppressive rule” of teachers and parents, this is not permission to take a back seat to your life. Do not overlook the proactive ways that you can be independent. If your parents are managing your college search, then perhaps you are not ready for college. If you do want to go to college then listen up. I recently met with a group of selective college admission deans who lamented about how often a student’s parents initiate contact on behalf of their child. Don’t be that kid who let’s their parents set up all the college visits and then fills out forms for you when you arrive. And definitely do not allow the adults in your life to write your essays, complete your application or dictate all the activities in which you should be involved.
Socrates wrote, “to find yourself, think for yourself.” In its purist form, high school is about finding yourself and when you rely on friends, family and teachers to think for you, you renounce your independence. Preparation for college is an ideal opportunity to assert your individualism and to practice self-reliance.
College Bound Students:
Prom, graduation ceremonies and senior parties are behind you and now it is time to look forward to the next phase of your education. For many young people, college is the first time they are able to truly dabble with being independent. Nobody is going to make you go to class, clean your room or eat healthy. The decisions you make and the approach you take toward your college experience are yours and yours alone. This can be a time that is wonderfully liberating when students come into their own and embrace self-advocacy and ownership for their lives, but it can just as easily go the other way.
Students who struggle with this freedom generally fall into two categories—those who abuse independence and those who refuse independence. The “abusers” often skip classes, excessively use alcohol and drugs and make poor decisions in other areas of campus living and learning. Frequently these young people find themselves with low grades, disciplinary issues and a college career cut short. The “refusers” avoid the opportunity to live autonomously and flounder without the constant support of family and high school friends. These students fail to engage in campus life in meaningful ways and are quick to blame their unhappiness on the institution rather than their inability to be self-reliant.
Increasing independence requires balance and resilience. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “freedom makes a huge requirement of every human being. With freedom comes responsibility. For the person who is unwilling to grow up, the person who does not want to carry his own weight, this is a frightening prospect.” So, carry your own weight and embrace opportunities to be involved on campus. Take risks, be open to failure and acknowledge that being independent can be uncomfortable, and that is alright.
The Rest of Us:
The 4th of July holiday presents a great opportunity for us all to consider that from which we need to declare independence. What is not serving us in our lives? What can we do without? What habits, relationships or ways of thinking keep us stuck in a rut? How are we oppressed by our own thoughts, actions or rules? Even if we do not have any significant transitions in our lives, the pace of summer can provide the ideal space to reflect on ways in which we are dependent. Let us all articulate one change that would allow more liberty.
It is one thing to declare independence, but the difficult work happens once the fireworks have faded, the grill is cold and the family has all gone home. How do we best stay dedicated to finding freedom in the areas in which we need it? Remember that independence does not mean isolation and we are often best served to enlist friends and family in our efforts—after all it took thirteen colonies to rally against the British Empire. While hopefully we are not at war with others or ourselves, whether in high school, college or life, I encourage us all to identify and celebrate the power we have to be liberated.
Happy Independence Day!