In response to a series of demands set forth by student protesters across the country, all United States colleges have agreed to replace history with soothing images of sunsets and waterfalls. "It's important that campuses be havens of maximum comfort for students to explore their own deeply important, personal, and self-actualizing ideas, free from the unpleasant psychic residue and general ickiness of people and events of the past," said Harlan P. Wentwich, President of Sniveling Worm University, shortly before he voluntarily resigned and was forced to wear a "BEHOLD, I AM SYSTEMIC INJUSTICE" sandwich board for the rest of his life.
In addition, the following student demands have been approved and will be implemented at all college campuses:
Textbooks containing any sentences, mathematical symbols, or words will be replaced by full-length mirrors, so students may gaze longingly at themselves as they engage in their own profound thoughts and, with deeply soulful stares, increase the profundity of said thoughts.
New faculty members will immediately be hired whose opinions, viewpoints, recipes, and Netflix queues coincide exactly with those of the students, while old, establishment, prejudiced, cis-normative faculty members will be melted down and processed into a protein spread which will feed marginalized people.
All college mascots, statues, and buildings will be replaced by hand-carved, energy-absorbing black boxes, onto which students may project their profound thoughts without fear of cultural reprisal.
College administrators will gently wipe the sensitive, caring buttocks of students every hour on the hour using dry, natural-fiber cloth moistened with the tears of those groups directly affected by racism, insensitivity, identity-trauma, and gluten.
Any students, administrators, or new faculty members who disagree with these demands will be sent to reprogramming centers until they admit their errors via streaming video to the world. "I was wrong! I was wrong in everything I did and/or thought!" admitted a penitent Titus Gallaham, President of the University of Mollification, moments before he was processed into a protein spread and fed to marginalized people.