EXCLUSIVE: Christopher Columbus's NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN Captain's Logs

Day 1: Hereupon I left the city of Granada, on Saturday, the twelfth day of May, 1492, and proceeded to a seaport, where I armed three vessels, very fit for such an enterprise, and set sail from the port, on Friday, the third of August, steering for the Canary Islands of your Highnesses, thence to depart and proceed directly to the East Indies, there to discharge the orders given me by your Highnesses to the Princes therein. For this purpose I determined to keep an account of the voyage, and to write down punctually every thing we performed or saw from day to day and also a book to represent the whole with latitudes and longitudes, all of which behooves me to abstain from sleep, and make many trials in navigation, which things will demand much labor.

Day 2: Wait, the captain is responsible for bringing toilet paper? That's just nuts!

Day 3: I always thought "like rats abandoning a sinking ship" was just a metaphor, but holy crap are there a lot of rats on this thing.

Day 4: The boatswain is beginning to suspect that I have no freaking clue where India is. Or how to pronounce "boatswain."

Day 5: What exactly does a boatswain do anyway?

Day 6: From the mizzenmast, surveying the deep blue waters around us in all directions, one must ponder the mystery of God's creation and the sublime beauty that is this world. What the fate of my humble fleet will be, I cannot say, but the gratitude and awe I feel today is beyond the telling of it.

Day 7: Ran out of Dramamine. Puking beyond the telling of it.

Day 8: Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ on a cracker, how much effing ocean IS there?

Day 9: Starting to doubt the boatswain's vow that he "knew a shortcut."

Day 10: What is Isabella doing with that worthless robe-filler Ferdinand anyway? All I'm saying is, I've got a career, most of my hair, and a sweet sweet ride.

Day 11: Still not happy with my jingle, "In 1400 and 92/ Columbus couldn't find Peru." Putting a pin in this.

Day 12: Crew less thrilled than I'd hoped with my morale-booster, "All-The-Salt-Cod-You-Can-Eat Thursdays."

Day 13: All sail and no play makes Chris a dull boy.

Day 14: Here, sharky sharky sharky. Just open up, I'll jump. Win-win.

Day 15: I would literally trade the Pinta for a decent bowl of pasta.

Day 16: Invited by the first mate to a party on the Sunset deck tonight. You've still got it, Chris!

Day 17: Turns out the Santa Maria has no Sunset deck.

Day 18: Hump Day!

Day 19: Ok, those black spots on the horizon are DEFINITELY the East Indies.

Day 20: Or, you know, the West Indies. I'm not a "compass purist."

Day 21: Still nostalgic for a time when I thought I saw spots on the horizon.

Day 22: Who would win in a fight, St. Augustine or St. Christopher?

Day 23: Great, Lord. We get it. You made a LOT of ocean. Slow claps all around.

Day 24: When you think about it, how fast do we really need our spices delivered?

Day 25: Stench of the horses overwhelming. Why did we bring? I'm sure they'll have some there.

Day 26: Legal question: Is "excessive whistling of one sea shanty" grounds for murder?

Day 27: Hilarious dream: Instead of sailing West to the Orient, we were sailing EAST. LOL.

Day 28: Does this ragged shred of oilcloth make my ass look fat?

Day 29: Land ho! We shall touch terra firma in mere hours!

Day 30: OK, very funny, "perspective."

Day 31: Land... ho-er?

Day 32: Seriously, dude, this is just cruel.

Day 33: The first thing I do when I get ashore is to go pee on a TREE like a civilized man.

Day 34: Here, landy landy landy...

Day 35: We have arrived! In the name of the Spanish Crown, I hereby name this pristine and unclaimed land... oh crap, you'd think I'd have taken a sec to think of something...

Rob Kutner, Stephen Levinson, and Joel Levinson are the creators of the upcoming epic comedy-music album "2776: One Thousand Years of American Awesomeness" coming out July 4, 2014.