Dear Liz Cheney,
Being a comedy fan, I thank your comedy dynasty family for the belly laughs throughout the years. We all know deadpan delivery is the hardest, yet your father makes Steven Wright look like Judy Tenuta. With your new, classic, "advice to Hillary Clinton" bit, that Cheney hilarity gene is thriving. You guys make me cry!
Hey, in case you ever buy material, here's a revised classic you may want to use the next time you play a convention.
WHO'S GONE FIRST?
W
Hey Dick, I know we have a new bunch of soldiers out there now. Who's gone first?
Dick
Afghanistan.
W
Afghanistan?
Dick
Afghanistan. We left them hanging once and now we've let them go to hell again. So actually, they're gone first AND second.
W
First and second? I thought you could only play one position at a time.
Dick
You kidding? Look at Pervez Musharraf, Nuri al-Maliki, Kim Jong Il. They're playing every angle.
W
Yeah, those Dominicans are taking over baseball! Hey, how can you play an angle? I thought you had to play a base?
Dick
The Evangelicals.
W
What?
Dick
Watt, Secretary of the Interior, '81-'83. About as good as our guy.
W
Just start over.
Dick
Surge.
W
I thought we were talking bases.
Dick
Permanent. In Iraq. But we don't say that out loud.
W
So they can't steal our signs?
Dick
Mission accomplished.
W
Wait. Who's gone third?
Dick
Iran. Pickoff play.
W
What about North Korea and Syria?
Dick
We don't talk to them. They're free agents.
W
Are we an expansion team?
Dick
Augmentation team.
W
Well who's playing for Afghanistan?
Dick
The Taliban. We should drug test them though.
W
Who's the shortstop?
Dick
The Democrats. They're all cutoff men.
W
Then what do we do?
Dick
Suicide squeeze.
W
Okay. Afghanistan is gone first and second. Iraq is gone second, Iran is gone third. You have two guys on second!
Dick
No I don't.
W
Yes you do!
Dick
No I don't.
W
Oh for crying out.... Ya said Afghanistan and Iraq are gone second!!
Dick
Second base is in its final throws.
W
Speaking of which, who's pitching?
Dick
Lieberman.
W
Isn't he the switch hitter?
Dick
He's a utility man.
W
Who's the setup man?
Dick
That's Libby.
W
Come on, it's Rove!! You know it's Rove, I know it's Rove, everybody knows it's Rove!
Dick
He's gonna slide.
W
I thought he was gonna steal.
Dick
Halliburton.
W
Wasn't she married to David Justice on the Braves?
Dick
Halle Berry.
W
Well I'm the decision maker and she's not playing. Who's the catcher?
Dick
Henry Waxman.
W
Does he hit for subpoena power?
Dick
Nah. I classified the lineup card.
W
I think the umpires are gonna have a fit.
Dick
A non-binding fit.
W
Tee hee. Who's playing right?
Dick
McCain.
W
I thought he was the center fielder?
Dick
No. He just flip-flopped on Roe v. Wade to get in position.
W
Well who's center?
Dick
The American people.
W
So who's out in left field?
Dick
You.
W
Really? Wow!
Dick
Well, you and my daughter Liz. You can platoon the position.
W
Whoa, that sounds a little too much like the army. Never mind. I'll just watch from the green zone.
Dick
You keeping score?
W
We're winning, right?
Dick
Right.